Filed under: Review | Tags: Anna Faris, Bill O'Malley, Brett Ratner, Cara Silverman, Charles B. Wessler, Chloë Grace Moretz, Chris Pratt, Christophe Beck, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Claes Kjellstrom, Craig Herring, Daryn Okada, Dave Hodge, Debra Chiate, Elizabeth Banks, Elizabeth Wright Shapiro, emma stone, Eric Scherbarth, Eric Stuart, Fisher Stevens, Frank G. DeMarco, Gerard Butler, GreeneStreet Films Inc, Greg Pritikin, Griffin Dunne, Halle Berry, Håkan Wärn, Hugh Jackman, Jack Kukoda, Jacob Fleisher, James Duffy, James Gunn, Jason Bateman, Jason Macdonald, Jeremy Sosenko, John Penotti, Johnny Knoxville, Jon Corn, Jonas Wittenmark, Jonathan van Tulleken, Josh Duhamel, Justin Long, Kate Bosworth, Kate Winslett, Kieran Culkin, Kristen Bell, Leo Birenberg, Liev Schreiber, Matthew Alec Portenoy, Matthew F. Leonetti, Mattias Rudh, Naomi Watts, Newton Thomas Sigel, Olle Sarri, Patrick J. Don Vito, Patrick Warburton, Patrik Forsberg, Paul Zucker, Peter Farrelly, Relativity Media, Richard Gere, Rocky Russo, Rusty Cundieff, Ryan Kavanaugh, Sam Seig, Sandy S. Solowitz, Sean William Scott, Snooki, Stephen Merchant, Steve Baker, Steve Carr, Steve Gainer, Steven Brill, Terrence Howard, Tim Suhrstedt, Tobias Carlson, Tyler Bates, Uma Thurman, Virgin Produced, Wessler Entertainment, Will Carlough, Will Graham, William Goodrum, William Rexer, Witness Protection Films
There will come a time in human history when we’ll have to look back on what we’ve done collectively as a species. Genocide, global warming, war… There’s a lot we have to feel guilty about is what I’m saying. And now, thanks to Peter Farrelly, we have a new atrocity to add to that list in the form of a steaming cinematic turd named ‘Movie 43’. Jesus fucking Christ, I don’t even now where to begin.
Ok, so this movie has two versions. Living in the UK, I saw the one released here which involves three teenagers trying to find the eponymous Movie 43, the most banned film in the world because watching it will lead to the destruction of the world somehow. During their internet search they come across several vignettes which make up the bulk of the film. The really shocking thing and the reason that this film has gotten any exposure at all, rather than being left on the trash heap of cinematic history as it so rightly deserves, is that for some reason this film stars actual people that you’ve actually heard of. I mean real famous actors like Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Richard Gere, Emma Stone, Halle Berry and many, many more. I don’t know why these people agreed to be in this. Maybe they thought they’d get to seem like they had a sense of humour or that they’d be perceived as being edgy in some way. I’m sure that the fact that these were shorts meaning they could be done relatively quickly also helped to convince a few of them in some way.
To say that this film is not funny would be like saying…. I don’t know. There isn’t anything I can compare it to which will properly convey how funny Movie 43 isn’t. It’s like comedy got cancer and people were actively preventing a cure from being found. It is to comedy what the vacuum of space is to human survival.
The majority of the sketches focus on some form of gross out, politically incorrect or absurd premise which can make for some great comedy. Here, though, it’s just terrible. The reason? Everyone is trying so desperately hard to be funny. It’s like those fucking ‘Insert Genre Here’ Movie movies and parody films like them where they’re afraid you might not get the joke so they hammer it hard leaving you with absolutely no doubt what it is that they are trying to parody. At least with those movies the joke is pretty quick and moves on to the next thing. With Movie 43, whole segments revolve around one joke and they hammer it so hard that all that’s left at the end is the joke’s smashed corpse and nobody is laughing.
For example, Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet’s segment is about the fact that Hugh Jackman has balls on his neck. That’s the joke. It’s like the filmmakers saw ‘Men In Black II’ and decided the Ballchinian deserved something more than the few seconds he got on screen. GAHFUCKINGFUCKITYFUCK!
Excuse me. Look, don’t see this movie. If you somehow end up in a situation where you have to choose between this and suicide, well, I mean you should probably just watch this because it’s only an hour and forty minutes long and suicide is forever but if you’re the kind of person who finds themselves in that kind of situation you probably deserve it. I can say there was one moment that elicited a chuckle from me and that was when Emma Stone says “He was a Wizard!” in response to some asking her about sucking off a hobo for magic beans. It’s really more her delivery than the script though. Man, Emma Stone is great. Ok, this seems to be devolving in to some stream of consciousness thing so I’m just gonna rate this thing and get the fuck out of here. I give this film I have only ever given once before. This film gets Unicum, Hungary’s national drink, out of five. If you’ve ever tasted Unicum then you know why. Laterz.
Filed under: Review | Tags: A.J. Edwards, Ben Affleck, Christopher Roldan, Emmanuel Lubezki, FilmNation Entertainment, Hanan Townshend, Javier Bardem, Keith Fraase, Magnolia Pictures (US), Mark Yoshikawa, Nicolas Gonda, Olga Kurylenko, Rachel McAdams, Redbud Pictures, Sarah Green, Shane Hazen, StudioCanal UK (UK), Terrence Malick
In January 2012, Terrence Malick’s ‘Tree of Life’ was nominated for a Best Picture award. In my effort to see all of the nominees that year, I watched it. Needless to say I had some issues with it and by issues I mean it was one of the most tortuous viewing experiences I have ever put myself and, unluckily for them, the people who were with me through. I hated all two hours and twenty minutes of it and my very soul screamed for the sweet release that death would bring. And now it’s time for round two. Yes, new for the mind of Terrence Malick, it’s ‘To The Wonder’ a film that even star Ben Affleck says “makes Tree of Life look like Transformers.” I’ve really been putting this one off. I’m even writing this introductory paragraph before watching the film, something I don’t normally do. Fuck. Here we go.
Right. I’m back and through the magic of the internet, what seems like mere seconds for you felt like a lifetime for me. So, is To The Wonder a slow, ponderous, pretentious piece of visual poetry filled with people standing silently and barely coherent whispering? Is the Pope the head of an organisation that routinely tries to cover up child abuse? But you know what? I liked it. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not going to become a regular watch and it really took a while for me to get into it but something just clicked. There are messages here about love, hate, faith and God, many of which I disagree with but I weirdly, I still can’t hate this film.
When I say it took me a while to get into it, I mean it really took a while. For the first hour, I must admit I was considering turning it off but there was something every now and then that kept me watching. After that hour I became invested and weirdest of all? I fucking loved the last half hour.
If I could guess the reason, it’s the story. Whilst, for me, Tree of Life was a random blur of metaphysics, flash backs and flash forwards, To The Wonder had a coherent linear story which, whilst still being very much in the mold of Malick, I was deeply invested in by the end. The story revolves around a pair of lovers, Neil (Ben Affleck) and Marina (Olga Kurylenko), and just what the nature of their love and their relationship is as they go through happy times and not so happy times, fall apart and come together. There’s a subplot that runs concurrent with this involving Father Quintana (Javier Bardem), who is sometimes Marina’s council in the tougher times, and his own strained relationship with Jesus Christ and the people who look to him for guidance.
Now, I obviously can’t recommend this film for everyone but having said that I wouldn’t have recommended it to myself before watching it. There’s still a lot to dislike here for me and, again, it took me a long time to get into but once I got there, I was hooked. The fact that Malick’s films are beautiful doesn’t really need to be said but I’m glad I could enjoy this one’s story as well. Does this film make Tree of Life look like Transformers? Well, maybe since Tree of Life and Transformers share about the same coherency when it comes to plot but in terms of pretentiousness. No, the film that’s about the trials and tribulations that accompany love is not more pretentious than the film that reduces the birth of the universe and the evolution of life on Earth to precursor to a 1950s family drama and ends with Sean Penn entering pseudo-event or something.
Perhaps strangest of all is that this is the film that even Malick fans seem to have taken a disliking to. So yeah, I’m that guy. I’m the guy that hated Tree of Life and enjoyed To The Wonder. I dunno what to say.
Honestly, I’m still coming to grips with liking this film and trying to describe why I did beyond the story is proving difficult. Perhaps like the mysteries of love and such, it shall always be mysterious. Mystery. So, um, yeah. Give it a try, maybe. You might be glad you did? Three and a half pints out of five. Laterz.
Filed under: Review, TelePub | Tags: 2013, Abigail Breslin, Amazon, Columbus, comedy, Eli Craig, emma stone, internet, Izabela Vidovic, Jesse Eisenberg, Kirk Ward, Little Rock, lovefilm, Maiara Walsh, Paul Wernick, Pilot, Review, reviews, Rhett Reese, sitcom, streaming, Tallahassee, televison, tv, Tyler Ross, Wichita, Woody Harrelson, zombie, zombieland, zombies
The popularity of the Undead gained new unlife in 2004 with the double header of the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake and ‘Shaun of the Dead’. Yes, zombies as we know them had been shambling around since 1968 with the original ‘Night of the Living Dead’ and ‘28 Days Later’ had started the trend somewhat in 2002 but they weren’t even really zombies in that film so I’m not counting it. No, it was 2004 where zombies went viral and the world hasn’t really been the same since.
In 2009, already five years into this zombie resurrection, a little comedy film came out called ‘Zombieland’. Sure, it was no Shaun of the Dead but I for one enjoyed it and it had one of the best surprise cameos in all of film history.
It was a film that originally began life as a script for a pilot for a TV show about survivors of a Zombie Apocalypse seeking shelter in their devastated world. Well, it seems as though those small screen dreams are finally coming true as Amazon ordered a pilot, no doubt wanting to get into the scripted original content business like Netflix, and it’s now available to watch online completely free of charge. See, here’s the link for UK people who can watch it on Lovefilm even if you’re not subscribed to their service.
Of course, the question is, even if it is free your time is not. Should you spend that precious half hour watching a televisual internet adaptation of a movie that came out three years ago with a completely different cast playing characters from said movie. Well…
“It’s the tiniest bit funny.” This is a line spoken by Wichita (Maiara Walsh replacing Emma Stone) and I was tempted to use it to describe the show but honestly, that’s being a little bit too hard on it. I will say that the opening scene is one of the most god-awful attempts at comedy I have ever seen in my life. It involves two employees at an unspecified job discussing the bad morning one of them has had whilst the Zombie Apocalypse occurs through a window behind them. It’s awful and laced with profanity which, hey I’m all for, but you can tell when layering something with fucks is forced in an attempt to illicit humour and it just falls flat. It’s truly fucking abysmal.
Still things do pick up after this very, very lacklustre opening scene when we’re “reunited” with the characters from the first film. There the aforementioned Wichita, Little Rock (Izabela Vodovic replacing Abigail Breslin), Columbus (Tyler Ross replacing Jesse Eisenberg) and Tallahassee (Kirk Ward replacing Woody Harrelson). Kirk Ward probably comes off best here. Sure, he’s no Woody and no one ever will be, but Tallahassee is a fun character and though I disagree a little with the direction here, seeming to bring him to almost Homer Simpson levels of stupidity, I think that he’s probably be the easiest character to step into the shoes off and Ward is certainly likeable enough in the role. Perhaps the biggest loser in this is Tyler Ross who is doing something of a knock off of pre-‘Social Network’ Jesse Eisenberg which consequently makes him seem like a knock off of a knock off Michael Cera. It worked for Eisenberg because he’s at least good at that schtick. Tyler Ross, not so much.
Perhaps the biggest casualty of the shift to the small screen is the effects budget. In the opening sequence a plane crashes in the background and it looks like something someone might have made while pissing about with After Effects for the first time. And the zombies? Oooh, the zombies take a nasty leap down in quality from what we saw in the movie and from what we expect from television Zombies thanks to ‘The Walking Dead’. They just look like someone splashed a bit of fake blood on them and stuck a few plasticy scabs on. They are not good, is what I’m trying to say.
Still despite all there is bad to say about this, there could be something good in there. The humour in this pilot is certainly a little more slapstick than I remember the movie being but that’s not always bad. If it gets picked up, I’ll give the next episode a watch just to see since there’s also a chance that getting picked up could improve their budget a bit which would solve some criticisms. I will say that I’m annoyed that the show undoes the end of the film my having had Wichita and Columbus break up but I suppose you need some kind of conflict to keep the story going in a series and yeah, it makes sense. So this pilot, not so great but I can see the potential in it and would be willing to give it another chance if it made it to a full series. Two and a half out of five. Laterz.
Filed under: Review | Tags: Adi Granov, Ben Kingsley, Brian Tyler, cinema, comic, comic book, comics, DMG Entertainment, don cheadle, Don Heck, Drew Pearce, Extremis, film, Films, Guy Pearce, gwyneth paltrow, iron man, Iron Man 3, Jack Kirby, James Badge Dale, Jeffrey Ford, John Toll, Jon Favreau, Kevin Feige, Larry Lieber, marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Studios, movie, movies, Peter S. Elliot, Phase 2, Rebecca Hall, robert downey jr, Shane Black, Stan Lee, Stephanie Szostak, superhero, the avengers, walt disney studios, Warren Ellis
In 2008, Marvel began an experiment in cinema. Could a cinematic series work in the same way as a comic book continuity? Could you have a hero regularly appearing in his own series but also bring that hero together with others for a team flick? It was a grand experiment that culminated in ‘The Avengers’ in 2012 and I think we can all agree that it was pretty sweet. Marvel and Disney had somehow managed to pull it off and create a consistent cinematic universe where everything just worked. Now the question is, where do things go from here? How would ‘Phase 2’ as it’s called work in a post-Avengers world?
Well, our first taste of Phase 2 came in the form of Iron Man 3, a continuation of the story of the hero that started it all, Tony Stark. So can Marvel continue to ride high on the wave of success that The Avengers brought or has that wave crashed on the rocky shore of failure? Well, I’m rather pleased to say that I fucking loved this movie.
The biggest problem that any of these movies faces is returning to the single character format after the ensemble movie. This is a little easier to do in comics because a) The team books aren’t always necessarily taking place within the same time frame or even continuity that the single character books are and b) Fuck it, if you want to put a character or team from another book in then you can just write and draw them in. Iron Man 3 manages to craft a believable story that both acknowledges the events of The Avengers whilst still very much being a story about Tony. True, there are some moments where you find yourself thinking “Well, if this is going on why has no one called in at least Captain America or something?” but for the most part it works.
Perhaps the two biggest surprises that I can talk about here without being spoilers are that the film takes place at Christmas (which I believe can be attributed to Lethal Weapon writer Shane Black who wrote and directed this film) which is a nice little touch, though it annoyed me a little because it made me break my arbitrary rule about only watching Christmas films at Christmas, and that this film is funny. I mean really funny and it’s tone is consistent the whole way through. With most action films that try their hand at comedy they suddenly become deadly serious in the third act in a tonal shift that can be quite jarring. Iron Man 3 keeps it’s humorous, playful mood all the way through and it works. It works really well for both the character and the story. Perhaps an even bigger surprise is just where the humour is derived from. Iron Man 3 is not a parody but it is certainly a film that plays with expectations. It knows what you expect from certain situations in action movies and superhero movies and it flips them on their head and I for one thought it was brilliant. There’s one moment in particular that’s going to really piss of a select group of this movie’s audience but I loved it. LOVED IT.
What else can I say that wouldn’t be spoilery? Well, it’s great to see a little less reliance on CGI than we’ve had in the past. Things actually blow all the shit up in this movie and there’s a sequence involving people falling out of a plane that was at least partially shot using a team of skydivers. Sure CGI has come a long way since even the first Iron Man but it’s still more impressive to see things done for real every now and then.
As for the acting, well, the main cast you know. Robert Downey Jr. is Tony Stark at this point and he’s just as good as he’s ever been. Gwyneth Paltrow get’s play a larger part here which frankly I like. Sure, she may not be everyone’s favourite person but within this series of movies I think she’s great especially working with the handicap of playing a character called Pepper Potts. Freed from the directing duties, Jon Favreau also has a slightly expanded role which is a nice touch and plays on the friendship between Tony and Happy Hogan. Hell, now that I think about it even JARVIS (Paul Bettany) has more to do here. It makes sense really. This film is very much about Tony Stark and what better way to do that than with more interaction with the people he cares about. In fact, the only person who might have less screen time that in Iron Man 2 is Don Cheadle as Rhodey. He still has an integral role to play and he’s very good but I guess the biggest interaction and confrontation we really need between Tony and Rhodey was in Iron Man 2.
As for the new people, Guy Pearce is great as Killian Aldritch, founder of Advanced Idea Mechanics who has had a rather unpleasant experience with Tony Stark in the past. There‘s the worry early on that he’s just going to be a retread of Sam Rockwell’s character from 2 but as the film progresses it’s clear that he isn’t. Rebecca Hall is decent enough as Dr. Maya Hensen, a botanist who helped to create a virus with regenerative qualities who once had a fling with a young Mr Stark. The main problem I have, I guess, is not so much the actress but some aspects of the character just didn’t make much sense to me. Of course the person that everyone is wondering about is Sir Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin. Well, he’s great. Fucking brilliant. He’s part Osama Bin Laden, part history teacher with maybe just a dash of Fred Phelps thrown in but he’s also so much more. So, so much more.
So Phase 2, and 2013’s Summer Blockbuster Season, kicks of not with a whimper but with a bang. An awesome bang. So yeah, go and see Iron Man 3. I mean, you were probably going to anyway. Oh, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this but stick around for after the credits. Four and a half pints out of five. Laterz.
If this were a Marvel movie, this would be the after credit sequence letting you know that there’s a full on, spoilerific video discussion coming some time in the near future once everyone’s had a chance to see it. Stay tuned.
Filed under: Review | Tags: 2011, china, chinese, cinema, comedy, Daniel Wu, David U. Lee, Dayyan Eng, drama, english, film, Films, Gong Beibi, Kenneth Tsang Kong, Kevin Spacey, Mandarin, movie, movies, Peter Stormare, Thierry Arbogast, Yan Ni
Every now and then you hear about a film that you just have to check out. For me, ‘Inseparable’ was one of those films. All I really knew about it was that it was a Chinese film that starred Kevin Spacey and featured superheroes somehow. Yes, Kevin Spacey dressed somewhat like Batman was more than enough to get me on board. I wasn’t really sure what to expect maybe just another run of the mill superhero flick with a Chinese flavour or perhaps an outright Chinese rip-off of ‘Kick Ass’ but I certainly wasn’t expecting the film I got.
Danny Wu stars as Li, a man who has suffered some recent tragedies and as a result he’s having some trouble with his marriage and at work. How bad are things going for Li? Well, let’s just say that the film opens with his attempted suicide which is cut short by the intervention of his ex-pat American neighbour Chuck (Kevin Spacey). Whilst Li is depressed and morose, Chuck is carefree and all about living life. He keeps a secret garden on the roof of their apartment building and enjoys fine, large cigars. He’s that kind of guy. Through his new found friendship with Chuck, Li begins to finally enjoy his life again and decides it’s time to do something good with his life.
Li’s wife Pang (Gong Beibi) is a news reporter and a recent undercover investigation that she had gone on revealed that a company which manufactured a folic acid supplement for pregnant women was doing so without actually putting the folic acid in it and so Li and Chuck don their superhero costumes and go to bring righteous justice upon them.
That’s all I’m really going to say about the plot because really, this is a film that I think you should see for yourself. The film is never really breaking any new ground in terms of what’s happening plot wise but it’s the way it delivers the action in a quirky, charming way that makes it a must-see. Besides, in the end the plot isn’t really what’s important here as you realise that this isn’t just some Kick Ass rip-off but rather an examination of the character of Li and just how deeply the tragedies in his life have effected him.
Perhaps the best part of the whole thing is Kevin Spacey. He’s here doing something which I sometimes think people forget he can do very well, playing cool, calm and collected. It’s something he’s definitely brought to Netflix’s ‘House of Cards’ and it’s something that’s on full glorious display here. It’s almost as though his character from ‘American Beauty’ survived and moved out to China. Hell, all of the actors do a great job which is particularly important in the terms of viewing this as a character study.
In summation Inseparable is a film that doesn’t bring anything particular original in terms of plot but brings a lot in terms of character and emotional depth. It manages to swing deftly from comedy, drama and even psychological thriller. It’s a little bit Kick Ass, a little bit ‘Fight Club’ and a little bit ‘He Was A Quiet Man‘ all wrapped up in a neat, quirky little package and I heartily recommend it to everyone, so grab yourself a copy and enjoy. Four pints out five. Laterz.
Filed under: Review | Tags: 2013, Alan Arkin, Benderspink, Carousel, Chad Kultgen, Chris Bender, cinema, comedy, Don Scardino, film, Films, Jake Weiner, James Gandolfini, Jim Carrey, John Francis Daley, Jonathan Goldstein, Lee Haxall, Lyle Workman, Matthew Clark, movie, movies, New Line Cinema, Olivia Wilde, Review, reviews, Steve Buscemi, Steve Carell, Tyler Mitchell, Will Ferrell
There are certain movies out there that you can tell were written with a different actor in mind than the one they ended up with. Films like ‘Balls of Fury’ which stars Dan Fogler because they obviously couldn’t get Jack Black or ‘Oz the Great and Powerful’ being written for the invention of time travel so a young Bruce Campbell could have been cast as the lead. ‘The Incredible Burt Wonderstone’ may not be one of these movies but it sure as hell feels like it is.
Burt Wonderstone really, really feels like a second rate Will Ferrell character to the point where at times it even sounds as though Steve Carell is doing a half-arsed Ron Burgundy impression. And when I say a second rate Will Ferrell character I really mean that. I’m talking ‘Semi-Pro’ levels of comedy here. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is not great, is what I’m saying.
Unfortunately Steve Carell really is the problem here. Most of the other characters in the film provide small bright spots of comedy here and there but the film seems to go through long stretches following Burt Wonderstone and nobody else. This doesn’t really help with the Will Ferrell comparison because it’s so incredibly blatant in scenes when Burt is by himself, talking to a throwaway character or complaining on his phone about how small his bed is.
Like I say the other characters do bring some funny moments here and there but they’re used so sparingly that you just end up feeling disappointed. There’s Steve Buscemi as Burt’s partner Anton who has a pretty good subplot wherein he visits poor, staving people in the third world and rather than food or clean water delivers the gift of magic. Jim Carrey occupies the villain role as a magician in the style of Criss Angel and he steals every scene playing something akin to a douchier version of Ace Ventura with a masochistic streak but you can’t tell if it’s because he’s actually being really good or everything around him is so lacklustre. Alan Arkin is pretty enjoyable as Burt’s role model but again he gets so little actual screen time that it feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity. Oh, and Olivia Wilde is there because Steve Carell’s character needs a woman twenty years younger than him as a romantic interest. Otherwise how would I know he’s successful?
Hell, honestly I could maybe even forgive a middling comedy if there were anything original about it but sadly there isn’t much here we haven’t seen before. It’s the story of someone famous for doing something but soon finds himself being replaced by someone younger and edgier coming along. He finds himself at the lowest he can possibly get until he decides to try one last time to pull himself out of the gutter and beat his rival. Will he succeed? Have you ever seen a movie before? So yeah it’s that plot and this time it’s with magicians.
Even the jokes are old, things we’ve seen a dozen times before. For example there is one scene where Burt and a groupie walk into a room with the promise of sexual acts about to take place. From outside the room we hear the groupie exclaim “It’s huge!” Cut to inside the bedroom and it reveals that she’s talking about the bed (Apparently it can sleep two dozen adults). Oh the hilarity!
I will give it a little credit as early on it shows Burt talking to the owner of a casino and being old he will only hire Burt if he drops Anton from the act. I thought ‘Oh great, it’s gonna be a film about two partner’s who separate because one gets greedy but then they realise they need each other and come back together.’ However Burt refuses and the casino owner relents and hires them both. ‘Oh,’ I thought ‘The film knew that’s what I was gonna think this was and cleverly fooled me. Maybe this will be something original after all! Great!’ and then it basically threw that in as a subplot later anyway. So yeah, thanks for tricking me movie.
Overall the movie is really just a meh. If you find yourself considering watching this I recommend watching a good Will Ferrell movie instead. You’ll be glad you did. One and a half pints out of five. Laterz.
Filed under: Review | Tags: 2013, adaptation, Andrew Niccol, Antonio Pinto, book, Chandler Canterbury, cinema, cinemas, Diane Kruger, drama, Emily Browning, Entertainment Film Distributors, film, Films, Frances Fisher, Jake Abel, Max Irons, Metropolitan Filmexport, movie, movies, Nick Wechsler, novel, Open Road Films, Paula Mae Schwartz, Review, reviews, Roberto Schaefer, Saoirse Ronan, sci-fi, stephenie meyer, Steve Schwartz, The Host, Thomas J. Nordberg, William Hurt
Spoilers Ahead! You have been warned.
Fresh from poisoning the minds of one generation of young girls and another generation of creepy older women, the deranged writings of Stephanie Meyer are brought once more to the silver screen in the form of ‘The Host’. This time Meyer takes on the world of parasitic aliens ala ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ and I know what you’re asking already: “Does she bring the same level of creepiness to these alien parasites that she brought to Vampires and werewolves what with the silently watching a girl sleep in her room and the falling in love with a baby after it’s been torn from it’s mother by it’s father’s vampiric fangs?” Don’t worry dear reader, all will be revealed.
The story itself concerns a future in which most of humanity has been invaded by a race of aliens who lodge themselves somewhere near a persons brain and take over their body. There are few non-infected humans left, scattered around into various resistance groups. One girl, Melanie, is trying to get to one of these resistance groups with her younger brother Jamie and her boyfriend Jared when she is captured and has an alien implanted inside her. This alien, calling itself Wanderer, is questioned about the memories stored inside Melanie’s mind in an effort to try and find the resistance’s location.
Not all is right with Wanderer however. It turns out that Melanie is special and has such a strong will that she can’t be entirely subsumed by Wanderer which causes conflict in the mind of the alien. This conflict is played out by Wanderer talking to herself whilst Melanie’s voice is dubbed over with some of the worst voice over acting I have ever heard in my life. It’s incredibly over the top and makes the whole concept of the movie seem even more ridiculous than it already is which, and I remind you that this is a movie based on a novel by Stephanie Meyer, is already pretty fucking ridiculous.
Wanderer/Melanie manage to escape from the other alien infected humans and find their way to the desert base of the resistance led by Melanie’s Uncle Jeb. She is instantly met with mistrust but eventually, as more and more come to realise that Melanie is still alive inside her and that she is different from the other aliens, Wanderer comes to be accepted by the group and her name gets shortened to Wanda. This, of course, leads us to the romance that Stephanie Meyer is so renowned for making awkward and weird. In the Twilight series we had the love triangle between Bella, Edward and Jacob and in The Host we have a four-way romance. What is that? A love square? A love quadrangle? Whatever. We have Jared who is in love with Melanie and eventually Wanda falls for another resistance member by the name of Ian. Of course, since Melanie and Wanda share a body the whole thing is very awkward and silly with Melanie occasionally taking control of her right hand to slap Ian when he’s kissing Wanda and the like. You know, the kind of thing you might see in a wacky body-sharing comedy like ‘The Thing With Two Heads’ or, you know, an adaptation of Stephanie Meyer’s adult romance novel ‘The Host’.
All the while Wanda is being sought by an alien called ‘Seeker’ because we might as well keep things simple for this movies intended audience which I assume is the severely brain damaged and those who like to keep fire as a pet. The other aliens tell Seeker that she should just give up, after all the resistance is small and will eventually die out by itself. It’s just not worth bothering with. It turns out however that Seeker is hunting Wanda because she too is having problems controlling her host and so she wants to find Wanda in order to… Well, I’m not sure actually. I’m sure there must have been some reason. Meanwhile Wanda finds out that the resistance are cutting the parasites out of the infected and killing them in order to try and make them human again. She is disturbed by this and instead shows how to do it in a way that leaves both host and parasite alive, an operation they eventually carry out on Seeker, sending the parasite back to the stars.
Anyway the whole love quadrangle is resolved when Wanda is removed from Melanie and placed in a braindead body, thereby bringing life to a body that had none. And so everything is wrapped up in a nice little package and the movie ends with more aliens and humans learning they can live together in harmony thereby giving hope to the future of our two species or some bullshit.
Jesus Fucking H. Testicle Blasting Christ this one was a struggle. As a film fan I’ve poked my fair share of fun at the Twilight series but, honestly, those things are fucking masterpieces compared to this piece of shit. I tried taking notes during it but they eventually just devolved into me writing THIS IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER SEEN over and over again. At least you can have fun taking the piss out of the Twilight films, I will give them that and Michael Sheen is awesome for the small amount of screen time he has but this… This isn’t even worth sitting through to try and make fun of it. There’s just nothing redeeming here. It’s a poorly acted, poorly written, though admittedly nicely shot, mess. Friends I have gazed into the mouth of madness and what I found waiting was The Host. Nothing really makes sense. The aliens claim that of all the bodies they’ve inhabited humans are among the trickiest because of their strong physical desires. I assume that they’re talking about our sex drive which, assuming that they’ve inhabited other species that reproduce sexually, should be a pretty common problem throughout the universe. Sex is what drives any species that reproduces that way, for fucks sake!
There are two problems which I consider to be insurmountable when it comes to this film. The first is that this is actually a fairly interesting concept. A human and an alien sharing a body and the complications they face could make for a really good film but here the story is so lacklustre and the whole thing is handled so poorly that it results in one of the worst science-fiction movies that I’ve ever seen. The second problem is that this film shares a title with an awesome 2006 South Korean film and now whenever I say “The Host is awesome!” I’m going to have to qualify that I’m talking about that film and not this pieces of shit.
Half a pint out of five because, again, it is shot quite nicely. Has Stephanie Meyer written anything else of consequence? Not really? Good. Hopefully that’s the end of that chapter. Laterz.
Cinepub 