Cinepub


Catchin' Up With Fred by Jamie
I’ve been in a bit of an odd mood lately compounded by money troubles, sleeping troubles and this oppressive heat. I’ve been trying to write a review of the original Karate Kid for the past week or so now and have found it incredibly difficult for some reason which has done nothing to improve my mood. So what can I possibly do to counter-act this terrible, stymied feeling? Well I can always check in with the internet’s most baffling celebrity, Fred. It is worth mentioning that Fred’s YouTube channel has now been set-up like a TV show featuring different seasons and numbered episodes. This infuriates me.
First some background. Fred Figglehorn was created by “actor” Lucas Cruikshank. I use quotation marks around the word actor there because if all it takes to be an actor is filming yourself acting like a retard, raise the pitch on the audio and post it to YouTube then everyone can be a fucking actor even Shia LaBoeuf.

Anyway the main premise is that Fred is a mentally-impaired six year old with a dysfunctional home life who goes on adventures and such. I assume he’s supposed to be mentally impaired. I see nothing to suggest otherwise. Fred’s voice is pitched higher and the videos sped up slightly in order to make Fred seem more like a six year old which seems odd because I’ve never seen or heard a six year old who looks and sounds like a chipmunk on a coke binge. I think the main point I’m trying to get across here is that Fred is the most terrible blight the internet has unleashed upon the world and I cannot understand why people seem to love him. Let’s look at the stats.

As of June 2010, the Fred channel has received over 85 million channel views, over 496 million video views since its launch, and over 1.7 million channel subscribers, it is listed as the number two all-time most subscribed YouTube channel. If all of that doesn’t make you want to vomit with terror then you’ve clearly never seen a Fred video. Oh internet, what happened to you? You used to be so fun with your video-game based web-comics and porn featuring things I could never get a woman to do in real life. We used to be best buds, you used to be cool man.

Ok folks, prepare yourself for the latest video in the terrifyingly annoying Fred saga, ‘Fred Goes Reporting’…

Hmmm, seems a little less frantic than the usual bullshit Fred sprays all over the internet but it was still fairly damn annoying. Remember folks, this is season 4. Four seasons of Fred screeching, yelling and just generally asking to be stabbed over and over again until his crimson juices flow…. I’m sorry, I got distracted. I have to admit though, I did laugh at this one for a second or so. The bit where he was rubbing the microphone over the cops face was kinda funny.

But still, look at the guy. He’s not an actor. Anyone can do what he does in these videos and I really hope the other people in this video were “actors” as well because no one needs to experience this asshole in real life, especially that cop. In fact the only reason I’m assuming that cop wasn’t real is because Fred wasn’t lying on the floor covered in nightstick wounds after the first two lines of that interview.

Also distressing is the request at the end requesting comments about people who remind you of Fred. I can assure Mr. Cruishank that anyone who reminds me of Fred died by my hands a long, long time ago and should we ever meet in real life you’ll likely meet a similar fate! Ok, maybe not but I probably wouldn’t talk to you and I certainly wouldn’t buy you a beer.

Anyway, onto the future. Fred: The Movie  <sigh> will air on Nickelodeon in August… which is actually a relief as it was originally going to get a theatrical release. Can you imagine an hour and a half of that cunt’s voice playing through fucking cinema speakers? Ugh, I just threw up in my own ears somehow.

Anyway, this has just been a short little thing to try and get me writing again and since I write better when I’m pissed off, I figured Fred would be a perfect subject… Probably not, actually, because there isn’t that much substance to it when you get down to it but I just enjoy hating on the guy so just give me this one and we’ll move on to whatever comes down the pipeline next, Ok? Good. So I’ll see you in August for my review of Fred: The Movie. Laterz.

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Catchin’ Up With Fred by Jamie
I’ve been in a bit of an odd mood lately compounded by money troubles, sleeping troubles and this oppressive heat. I’ve been trying to write a review of the original Karate Kid for the past week or so now and have found it incredibly difficult for some reason which has done nothing to improve my mood. So what can I possibly do to counter-act this terrible, stymied feeling? Well I can always check in with the internet’s most baffling celebrity, Fred. It is worth mentioning that Fred’s YouTube channel has now been set-up like a TV show featuring different seasons and numbered episodes. This infuriates me.
First some background. Fred Figglehorn was created by “actor” Lucas Cruikshank. I use quotation marks around the word actor there because if all it takes to be an actor is filming yourself acting like a retard, raise the pitch on the audio and post it to YouTube then everyone can be a fucking actor even Shia LaBoeuf.

Anyway the main premise is that Fred is a mentally-impaired six year old with a dysfunctional home life who goes on adventures and such. I assume he’s supposed to be mentally impaired. I see nothing to suggest otherwise. Fred’s voice is pitched higher and the videos sped up slightly in order to make Fred seem more like a six year old which seems odd because I’ve never seen or heard a six year old who looks and sounds like a chipmunk on a coke binge. I think the main point I’m trying to get across here is that Fred is the most terrible blight the internet has unleashed upon the world and I cannot understand why people seem to love him. Let’s look at the stats.

As of June 2010, the Fred channel has received over 85 million channel views, over 496 million video views since its launch, and over 1.7 million channel subscribers, it is listed as the number two all-time most subscribed YouTube channel. If all of that doesn’t make you want to vomit with terror then you’ve clearly never seen a Fred video. Oh internet, what happened to you? You used to be so fun with your video-game based web-comics and porn featuring things I could never get a woman to do in real life. We used to be best buds, you used to be cool man.

Ok folks, prepare yourself for the latest video in the terrifyingly annoying Fred saga, ‘Fred Goes Reporting’…

Hmmm, seems a little less frantic than the usual bullshit Fred sprays all over the internet but it was still fairly damn annoying. Remember folks, this is season 4. Four seasons of Fred screeching, yelling and just generally asking to be stabbed over and over again until his crimson juices flow…. I’m sorry, I got distracted. I have to admit though, I did laugh at this one for a second or so. The bit where he was rubbing the microphone over the cops face was kinda funny.

But still, look at the guy. He’s not an actor. Anyone can do what he does in these videos and I really hope the other people in this video were “actors” as well because no one needs to experience this asshole in real life, especially that cop. In fact the only reason I’m assuming that cop wasn’t real is because Fred wasn’t lying on the floor covered in nightstick wounds after the first two lines of that interview.

Also distressing is the request at the end requesting comments about people who remind you of Fred. I can assure Mr. Cruishank that anyone who reminds me of Fred died by my hands a long, long time ago and should we ever meet in real life you’ll likely meet a similar fate! Ok, maybe not but I probably wouldn’t talk to you and I certainly wouldn’t buy you a beer.

Anyway, onto the future. Fred: The Movie  <sigh> will air on Nickelodeon in August… which is actually a relief as it was originally going to get a theatrical release. Can you imagine an hour and a half of that cunt’s voice playing through fucking cinema speakers? Ugh, I just threw up in my own ears somehow.

Anyway, this has just been a short little thing to try and get me writing again and since I write better when I’m pissed off, I figured Fred would be a perfect subject… Probably not, actually, because there isn’t that much substance to it when you get down to it but I just enjoy hating on the guy so just give me this one and we’ll move on to whatever comes down the pipeline next, Ok? Good. So I’ll see you in August for my review of Fred: The Movie. Laterz.



Review: The Human Centipede: First Sequence by Jamie

<Sigh>… Well, I’ve been putting this of for long enough. I’ve been trying to write this review for about two weeks or so now and it just hasn’t been very easy. It hasn’t been very easy at all. Sure it’s been easy to talk about the basics of the film at anyone who has been unfortunate enough to run into me since I saw the film but to expand those thoughts into a full on review has proven difficult.

Let me start of by saying that I don‘t think the film is particularly shocking. It just kinda gets under your skin a bit, leaving with you a vague distaste for humanity in general. It‘s kind of like the feeling you get if you accidentally eat a kebab while you‘re sober. You know something’s wrong but you know that ultimately the blame rests with you and you alone because you decided to embark on this endeavour.

Despite the feeling it lives you with, I find it hard to say that it‘s a bad film even though if pressed the best way I could describe it is to say that it‘s something like Saw or any other ‘torture porn‘ film taken to a weird extreme. And even though I generally don‘t like the genre that has been dubbed ‘torture porn’, I can‘t say that I disliked this like I disliked Saw. Oh, and don‘t try and tell me that the first Saw is a good film. It‘s essentially just a series of boring flashbacks. I also can‘t get over the fact that Cary Elwes didn‘t try and saw through the rusty pipe he was chained to before sawing through his leg. There‘s a good chance that would have worked. The Dread Pirate Roberts wouldn‘t have made such a rookie mistake.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, The Human Centipede. So I‘m guessing that if you‘ve ever spent anytime on the internet, there‘s a good chance you already know what the plot of this film is. A crazy German scientist kidnaps three tourists and sows them together, anus to mouth because, well… I guess just because he‘s a crazy German scientist and those guys are always up to something.

There is plot before the actual procedure but really who cares? The film is called The Human Centipede and the two characters you spend time with before the Centipede-ification occurs don‘t really have much to say afterwards if you catch my drift. All you really need to know is that they are friends who will soon be getting better acquainted then they ever thought they would.

I should also point out that according to the director and the film‘s poster, the procedure itself is actually scientifically accurate and could possibly work if actually carried out. Knowing that before seeing the film probably didn‘t do anything to abate that feeling of unease that I got whilst watching it. Anyway, after said procedure the crazy German scientist tries to train his new six legged pet almost as he would a dog, trying to teach it to fetch the paper, eat from a dish on the floor and locking it up in a cage to sleep at night. This training procedure is really quite effective at giving you the sense that not only have the three captives been dehumanised in the worst manner possible physically but he‘s also trying to dehumanise them mentally as well. Apparently it‘s effective in my mind since I just referred to them as it earlier on.

Anyway it turns out that despite everything, his victims aren’t going to willingly give up their identities in order to become this twisted bastard’s pet. The front piece in particular, a Japanese tourist, is particularly resistant to the scientists attempt to train him. Of course the reason that he is the one that rebels the most is possibly simply because being at the front provides him the opportunity to do so. The fact that he is Japanese provides rather an interesting language barrier between him and the scientist, making the training scenes even more drawn out and tortuous.

God, have I even really written anything of consequence in this review? I feel like I‘m just rambling on and on. I‘m honestly having a ridiculously difficult time writing this. I think that what it comes down to is the fact that I have very mixed feelings about it. I didn‘t like it but I didn‘t hate it. I didn’t find it shocking but I didn‘t find it an easy watch. It‘s not particularly graphic but there were times when I had to look away from the screen and the final scene is one of the worst things I‘ve ever seen happen to a human being in a film with the exception of perhaps ‘Jack Ketchum‘s The Girl Next Door‘.

At the end of the day, I think most people know whether or not they‘re going to see this film as soon as they hear the title and get the basic gist of the plot. It‘s certainly not a film I can recommend to anyone because it‘s hard to tell how anyone would react to this film. I thought I‘d find it kind of funny but I really didn‘t so if I can‘t gauge how I would react to the film properly, how could I suggest it to others? If I had to give it a rating, I‘d have to give it a 2.5 out of 5 simply because it‘s the middle rating and my mind has been very ‘in the middle‘ with regards to this film, even two weeks after watching it. I guess my final words are you already know whether or not you‘re going to watch this film. If you do, don’t go into it with any expectations as they‘ll probably be wrong… except for the expectation of seeing three people sewn together ass to mouth. That‘s one expectation that will definitely be met. Laterz.

Oh yeah, watching that trailer again reminded me that the two girls who make up the middle and back of the centipede aren’t particularly great actors though after a while they don’t have much acting to do beyond panicked looks and muffled screams and I suppose you have to take what you can get when the roles are what they are in this film. The Japanese guy, played by Akihiro Kitamura, is pretty good and the German scientist, played by Dieter Laser, is actually quite brilliant and definetly the best part of the film. Oh, and ‘Mantipede’ would have been a better title.




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