Cinepub


Review: Transformers: Dark of the Moon by Jamie

After a few weeks of blip.tv issues and painfully slow internet connections, I finally present the Cinepub drunken video review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon.



Gump: Revenge Of The Box Of The Chocolates by Jamie

Often is the question asked, what would it look like if Forrest Gump had been directed by Michael Bay?

Yes, I get extremely bored when I’m at work… and at home… basically whenever I’m not down the pub. So I threw this together. I’m not entirely sure why I put the extra ‘The’ before ‘Chocolates’ in the title. I just think it sounds funnier. Anyway, enjoy!

Vodpod videos no longer available.



Gump: Revenge Of The Box Of The Chocolates by Jamie

Often is the question asked, what would it look like if Forrest Gump had been directed by Michael Bay?

Yes, I get extremely bored when I’m at work… and at home… basically whenever I’m not down the pub. So I threw this together. I’m not entirely sure why I put the extra ‘The’ before ‘Chocolates’ in the title. I just think it sounds funnier. Anyway, enjoy!

Vodpod videos no longer available.



Infomania: Why We Love Transformers 2 by Jamie

Since I’m going to be busy today, I needed something quick to blog if I was going to live up to my new ideal of having a new post everyday. I couldn’t think of anything and so I thought I was screwed until I was pointed to this amusing video from Infomania by one of their interns entitled ‘Why We Love Transformers 2’. Enjoy.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

More from Infomania can be found here



Transformers: Revenge of the Written Accompaniment by Jamie

So there it is. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has been released and I’ve already given my general impression of the film in a mildly drunken way in the video review. I didn’t feel, however, that the time restrictions that YouTube strictly enforce coupled with the fact that we were filming in a hotel lobby allowed me the time necessary to fully explain just where I think this film went wrong.

I’m going to try and do this as detached, unemotionally and as neutral as possible but that will be difficult since this film angered me so. Seriously, it’s now been literally ages since I saw the film and still it keeps popping into my mind and making me angry. Really angry. Far, far angrier than a movie based on a cartoon based on toys from the 80s should make any sane or rational person, something which I’d considered myself to be until the release of this movie.

So what the hell was the problem with this film anyway? Why would it evoke such a reaction in someone such as myself? Well, let’s begin by looking at the Transformers themselves. Optimus Prime returns as the only Autobot from the previous film with any real screen time or personality. (Yes, Bumblebee returns as well but his voice is inexplicably gone again and even he seems to get the short straw this time around.) This is a problem considering the fact that Optimus is missing from most of the damn film. The reason being, of course, that Optimus dies fairly early on and honestly, I didn’t care. One of my favourite heroic characters got killed, again, and I just didn’t care.

The reason being is that, unlike in the original animated film, there is no weight to Optimus’ death. There is no sense of loss from any of the characters which pretty much telegraphs the fact that the big blue guy will be back before the film is over. Seriously, there’s a scene where the Autobots are gathered around Optimus’ body and I thought ‘Ah, here we go. We’re finally gonna see some mourning for Optimus.’ But no, the scene is cut short by the arrival of the military and is soon over. Compare this to the animated film where Optimus is slowly dying with the Autobots gathered around him and are genuinely upset with the passing of their great leader. Optimus even falters as he goes to pass the Matrix of Leadership to Ultra Magnus, just highlighting the fact that he really is dying. It’s an emotional scene that genuinely tugs at the heart strings.

So that’s Optimus dealt with. Let’s move on to one of the new additions to the cast and one that I was really looking forward to, the perennial fan-favourite, Soundwave. What the fuck did Michael Bay do to Soundwave? He went to all the trouble of making sure Frank Welker was there to voice the character and he doesn’t even bother to use a vocoder to make his voice sound right? Maybe I’m being pedantic and perhaps it’s something I could have gotten over if only they’d used the character better than they did. Soundwave is Megatron’s right hand robot and should have been used as such. Instead he sits in space, fucking a satellite in order to gather information. Sure, it fits in with his position as a recon-bot but really? That’s all one of the most popular characters in the franchise is going to be used for? Fuck you Michael Bay. Fuck you. Hmm, so much for staying unemotional. I guess I can take some small comfort that Ravage was still ‘ejected’ from Soundwave.

So the question raises itself, could Soundwave have been used any better? And I put to you that yes, of course he could. Here’s how I feel the movie should have gone: Megatron is dead. Starscream has assumed the role as the leader of the Decpticons. Soundwave has come to Earth with a few other Decepticons and is following Starscream’s lead until about halfway through the film he discovers the location of Megatron’s body and goes behind his new leader’s back in order to revive him. Perhaps don’t even have him succeed until the very end of the film with a shot of Megatron, Soundwave in tow, confronting Starscream with the implication that something very bad is about to happen to him, something akin to what happens when Galvatron returns at Starscream’s coronation. That would have been awesome and keeping in line with the character’s main traits, Soundwave’s loyalty to Megatron and Starscream’s desire to lead the Decepticons.

So let’s get onto those two characters now. If I’m honest, this is one of the few things I did enjoy about the this film and I realise that my idea for a plot would have pretty much taken the Megatron/Starscream relationship out of the picture which I guess would have been a shame because it’s one of the few things that were actually done right. There are genuinely great character moments between Megatron and Starscream that harken back to the original cartoon and they were actually enjoyable, so well done Michael Bay for having something good in an otherwise relentless piece of shit.
Now let’s move onto the Autobots in general. Most of them are just here as cameos without much to do through the film. Arcee is introduced along with two other identical though differently coloured female bots and has nothing at all to do. Ironhide returns and has nothing at all to do. There are a few others who have nothing at all to do and have their names mentioned maybe once. And then there are the Twins, Mudflap and Skids and… wow… Just wow. It’s like Michael Bay wondered what his first Transformers film was missing, decided to watch The Phantom Menace and had an epiphany. “That’s what my movie is missing!” He cried in joy at his sudden realisation “A racially insensitive character who will annoy the fuck out of every human being who has ever lived… But I am Michael Bay! I must do things bigger and better! I’ll have two of them!” And so these vile hellspawn of Jar Jar Binks were born.

The final part of the film sees the arrival of The Fallen and the constructicons combining to form Devestator. I believe much has already been said about Devestator’s swinging scrote so I’ll forgo mentioning how fucking stupid that was once more. Instead I’d like to mention something which shows just how much Michael Bay cared about this film. Once Devestator has formed there is still at least one Constructicon fighting in the main battle! That’s fucking stupid and it shouldn’t have been hard to spot since the Constructicons are the only Decepticons with any damn colour!

As for the Fallen himself, well, he just sucked. He came to claim a giant sun-eating machine that had been hidden in a pyramid, which no archaeologist ever discovered for some reason, and being killed seconds later. Bravo. And people said Nero was a shitty bad guy.

Overall, I still haven’t gotten everything I hate about this film off of my chest and I don’t think I ever will. I’m just sick of writing this damn thing whilst the sun is shining outside. So screw it. Let’s wrap up. Every scene in this film was either a set-up to a shitty joke or a shitty joke. The midget scene, Devestator’s balls, the dogs fucking each other and Wheelie fucking Megan Fox’s leg are all examples of this. The rest is robot fighting filler just so Michael Bay can justify calling this a Transformers film. What really did impress me though was how Michael Bay and the writers Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman and Ehren Kruger (for they must also shoulder a heavy part of this blame) managed to take the Transformers who were, in all honestly, one note characters with single defining characteristics and make them zero note characters.

Laterz.



Review: Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen by Jamie

Here is the review of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. My written accompinament will follow shortly.



Top 10 Films That Influenced Me As A Youngling: Part 2 by Jamie
27/02/2009, 5:28 pm
Filed under: Lists | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yes I’ve finally returned with the second part of this list. Sorry it took me so long, it’s been a weird week. So without further ado, let’s get into it. Remember E.T. and Star Wars are taken as given.

5. Transformers

Yes, the original Transformers cartoon movie, set in the futuristic world of 2005! Alright, It seemed like along way away when the film was released in 1986. The film opens with the reveal of Unicron, a planet eating mother-fucker who, appropriately enough, eats a planet inhabited by robots. Unicron, of course, was the last film role of Orson Welles. Yes, Citizen fucking Cane ended his life by voicing a gigantic planet eating robot. Not only that but Leonard Nemoy also shows up, as does Eric Idle!
There are, however, two things that this film is largely remembered for. The first is the soundtrack which features a Weird Al song ‘Dare To Be Stupid’ but more importantly Stan Bush’s ‘The Touch.’ Is the song terrible? Yes, terribly awesome! Let’s have a listen:

The other thing that this film is known for is the relentless robot slaughter that takes place on screen. Many, many Transformers die, especially during the film’s first battle when the Decepticons attack the Autobots base one Earth. Why was there so much robotic carnage? Well, it was so they could clear out the old cast, introduce new characters and have a whole host of new toys to sell!

There is one death in particular which stands out, of course. Robot God himself, Optimus “The Christ” Prime lays down his life so that other Autobots might live to fight the good fight another day. There is no way to describe how it feels to see Prime die when you are a child, especially so damn early in the film. And what’s worse? Optimus’s final act as the Autobot leader is to hand the Matrix of Leadership to Ultra Magnus who is a total fuck up. So we’re left with the impression that Prime has shit judgement. I guess I can give him a pass since he was dying at the time but still… So there’s the influence, the first time I remember feeling terrible about the death of a fictional character.

4. The Goonies

Hey You Guys! Fuck yeah, The Goonies. Action, adventure, pirates! What more could you want from a children’s film? Well, lots more and the Goonies has it all. The story revolves around a group of children trying to find the treasure of One Eyed Willy so that they can save their homes. Throw in a crime family with a deformed son and you’ve got a recipe for success.

Is it me or were children’s films of the 80s a little more risqué than the stuff you see today? This film has references to sex and drugs, the characters swear and there are times when it genuinely seems as though the kids could die. I noticed the same thing in the Explorers and other 80s kids films such as D.A.R.Y.L. and even E.T. Elliott gets wasted for fuck’s sake.

There is so much I remember about this film that it’s almost impossible for me to write about it. The truffle shuffle, Mikey’s moment ‘alone’ with One Eyed Willy, Data’s gadgets, Corey Feldman being a cool motherfucker, Josh Brolin riding a girls bike, Sloth, Chunk’s breaking down during his lengthy confession… Fucking hell, every damn frame of this film is gold.

3. Gremlins 2

I saw the original Gremlins when I was probably around 6. Too young, perhaps, but I loved it. The violence was so over the top and crazy that I don’t think I was really scared by it. It seemed almost like watching a live action cartoon. So if that was the reaction my young mind had to the first film, the second one took that and ramped it up to eleven.

Now I know some people are going to say that Gremlins 2 is inferior to the first film and to those people I say shut your goddamn whore mouths. I saw this film at just the right time for it be forever ingrained in my mind as the better of the two. There’s so much I love here. The genetically mutated gremlins, in particular the Brain Gremlin, voiced by Tony Randall, who is one of my favourite movie characters of all time with one of my favourite quotes:

“Now bear in mind, none of us has been in New York before. There are the Broadway shows – We’ll have to find out how to get tickets. There’s also a lot of street crime but I believe we can watch that for free.”

He is the epitome of what a gremlin with intelligence should be, a bizarre creature with a warped view of what civilisation should be. There’s also poor old Spike, born as a mogwai with a mohawk meaning he’s destined to be the leader of the Gremlins but this role is kinda usurped by Brain Gremlin so Spike ends up as a spider hybrid instead.

The violence is even more over the top and cartoonish than the first instalment and the whole thing is just a little more than tongue-in-cheek, with self-referential gags throughout, including Leonard Maltin with a review of the original film. Fuck, I’ve knackered myself just thinking about this film. It’s awesome.

2. Jurassic Park

1993 saw the release of three major films involving dinosaurs. One, We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story, would be largely forgotten about. The second would be despised and reviled for years to come, Super Mario Bros. and the third would be Jurassic Park.

Now, it’s a well known fact boys love dinosaurs but perhaps I more than most. Christ, when I was a kid I wanted to be a palaeontologist. I even had a favourite palaeontologist in the form of Bob Bakker. He has an awesome beard and a character based on him appeared in the sequel, The Lost World. I had toy dinosaurs all around my room. My carpet had dinosaur footprints in it. I loved every damn dinosaur thing that came my way, Denver The Last Dinosaur, Dink The Littlest Dinosaur, The Land Before Time and Dinoriders (which clearly had the best quality dinosaur toys.) It was all awesome, so when Jurassic Park came along, what choice did I have but to love it?

Dinosaurs were brought to life in a way they never had before. Gone were the days of bits of cardboard being stuck to lizards, stop motion animation and men in giant rubber suits (sorry Godzilla). These things looked like living, breathing animals. People say that the effects look a little dated nowadays but I can’t see it. Every time I watch it, I watch it with a child’s eyes. The sense of wonder and amazement I felt as a child at seeing a T-Rex attacking a couple of cars it still there with me today. What more can I say? It’s one of the few films that just makes me feel like a kid again.



1. Jaws

Iconic music. Iconic characters. An iconic monster. This film was my favourite when I was a kid and it’s probably my favourite now. I often have a hard time trying to decide which is my favourite film but it turns out if I’m thinking about long and hard than this is definitely it. Simple as that.

The film simply ramps up the tension with every scene by employing a technique, familiar in later films, in which you have a killer which you don’t see until fairly close to the end of the film, most of the time the action is seen through the shark’s eyes as he stalks his prey, the tension highlighted by John Williams simple but awesome Jaws theme. It doesn’t pull any punches either, with both a dog and a kid getting killed. This leaves you with the feeling that everyone is a potential meal for the great white menace.

Now many horror films, and I was technically consider Jaws a horror film, have an iconic killer but the rest of the characters are essentially cardboard cut-out stereotypes. Not so in Jaws. You have Chief Brody, the good cop who knows the score but who no one will listen to. He’s also shit scared of water. There’s also Matt Hooper, shark expert and of course Quint. Quint is without a doubt in my top three movie characters off all time. He’s the one who was most in danger of being a stereotype, just your typical salty sea-dog type but he has just enough back story and personality to make him stand out from the crowd.

And god, there are so many great scenes in this film. When the shark comes up when Brody’s chumming to the simple scene where Sean is copying his father‘s actions. Fuck, the scene where Ben Gardner’s head bobs out of his boat still makes me jump and I’ve seen this film a thousand times. But the scene that really stands out, in my opinion one of the greatest scenes in cinema is the comparing injuries/Indianapolis scene. Awesome.




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