Review: Buried by Jamie

Oh boy, this one’s going to be difficult because to do a decent plot synopsis, I feel that I’d have to give away far too much of the story… So, for a synopsis let’s just say that Ryan Reynolds plays Paul Conroy, a truck driver working in Iraq who awakens to find himself buried alive with nothing but (initially) a lighter, a knife, a pencil, his empty wallet and a mobile phone. Throughout the course of the film he uses the phone to contact various people, including the police in America, his family, the hostage takers themselves and people at a group set up to help people taken hostage in Iraq, in order to try and get him released from his predicament.

That’s pretty much the basic outline of the film and all I feel particularly comfortable telling you about the story without giving too much away. What will say is that this film is fucking awesome. It’s hard to believe that such a simple idea could produce such a tense and intriguing story but it does and it does it excellently. It’s the perfect antidote to ‘Devil’ if you had the misfortune to watch that as well. It’s incredible how a film about five people trapped in a box is so utterly and completely dull whilst this film about one man trapped in a box kept me on the edge of my seat.

Now, I’ll admit that this film probably isn’t for everybody. I heard a few people moaning and complaining that the film was crap but I have a feeling this are probably the small minority. Also they were laughing like fucking retarded hyenas during the film so I don’t think their opinions are exactly the ones you’d really want to trust anyway. Douchebags. If you‘re not that kind of person but instead you can actually sit there and allow yourself to be drawn into what is a fantastically engaging story then I‘m sure you‘ll enjoy it.

That’s not to say that the film isn’t without it’s problems, the main one being that I’m fairly sure an episode of ‘Mythbusters’ proved the basic premise of the film, that someone could be buried underground for any extended period of time, to essentially be highly, highly unlikely if not outright impossible. Still, maybe the writer didn’t see that episode.

The stand out performance in this film is, unsurprisingly, that of Ryan Reynolds. I didn’t realise just how good of an actor he actually is. His panic in this situation is palpable and yet it still occasionally tinted with the sense of humour that still keeps me hoping he’ll play Deadpool someday (and properly this time). It’s actually made me look forward to the Green Lantern film something I didn’t really care about that much before because, if I’m honest, I’m just not that big a fan of the character.

So in conclusion , if you’re not a fucking idiot, go and see this film. See it as soon as humanly possible. The last scene in particular left me shaking when I walked out of the cinema and only one film I know of has ever done that to me before and that was ‘The Dark Knight’. Four and a half pints out of five.

Review: Vampires Suck by Jamie

Who in their right mind would choose to review films? It’s a question I found myself asking whilst once again deciding that I should torture myself by sitting through another film from those comedic black holes Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Yes, they’re back with a brand new “parody” film! I know, just like me your nipples are tingling with anticipation. No wait, that’s not anticipation. That’s revulsion. Thanks movie, you’ve annoyed my nipples.

So what the hell is there to say about this parody of the Twilight Saga? Well perhaps the most important thing to note is the title ‘Vampires Suck’. Why isn’t this film called Vampire Movie? I can only assume that the ____ Movie brand has been so damaged that they had no choice but to name it something different. Does that mean that the word movie itself is so tainted that we have to stop using it? Fair play I suppose because according to my Google Chrome spell checker the word movie doesn’t exist anyway.

So what of the plot? Well, if you’ve seen the first two Twilight films then you’ve seen this movie. Just imagine those films greatly condensed into about an hour and fifteen minutes but with the actual plot points replaced with bad jokes about Twilight or bad pop culture references. It’s pretty much the standard Friedberg/Seltzer fare. And it is, of course, pretty much all deeply, deeply unfunny. It did get a few chuckles out of me, generally when Diedrich Bader was on screen playing the role of the main characters father. He was kinda funny and made it at least… Well, not watchable but you could potentially aim your eyes at the screen and they wouldn’t leak blood for the entirety.

I don’t know what more I can really write about this without just repeating things from my ‘Meet The Spartans’ review or my ‘Disaster Movie’ review. It’s all pretty much the same awful, awful shit. There is a quick reference to Psycho which, due to it being one of my favourite films of all time, I can never ever forgive Friedberg and Seltzer for because now whenever I watch Psycho as small part of my brain is going to remember this film and for that they must both be punished. Besides that there’s also references to Facebook, the Kardashians, Lady Gaga and much more empty pointless references to things that are popular at the moment which will only cause it to age badly and make it even worse as time passes if that’s even possible.

I’m done with this film and these two cock squirts. The only reason I really watch these films is to write reviews like this were I get to use words like cock squirts. So let’s just sum up and hope once again that their career is over just like we did after Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie. So what’s the final verdict? Well, it’s about as funny as genocide but still manages to be a little bit better than Disaster Movie which was as funny as an AIDS-ridden puppy being gang-raped… during a genocide. A half a pint out of five. Don’t watch it, don’t look at the posters or trailers for it. If you do happen to come into contact with it in any form just drink until you forget it. If you were watching Vampires Suck and someone stabbed you in the eyes, they’d be doing you a massive favour and you should at least by them a drink or something. Laterz.

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