Review: Spirit Camp by Jamie

When it comes to getting rid of an infestation of annoying teens at your summer camp, there’s really only one person you need to call. That person is of course Jason Voorhees (and I suppose his mother has been most helpful in the family business as well). Whether a living, breathing, psychopathic man-child or a Zombie serial-killer from beyond the grave, Jason has been cleaning up the scum from Crystal Lake for 30 years now. He’s truly a credit to his craft.

Still there are those who try and follow in the big guys footsteps, maybe hoping to catch him unaware and snatch the hockey mask from right off his face. And of all the horror movies set at a summer camp, ‘Spirit Camp’ maybe the worst I’ve seen yet. I would rather watch ‘Jason Takes Manhattan’ for the rest of eternity then attempt to watch this shit again.

The first warning sign is that ’Spirit Camp’ describes itself as a horror comedy, a mix which can be difficult to achieve. There are many horror films which have comedic elements to them such as ‘Scream’ but in terms of successful horror comedies your first ports of call should be ‘Shaun of the Dead’, ‘Hot Fuzz’ (which contains action elements but seems to have far more in common with things like ‘Wicker Man’ and slasher films than it does ‘Point Break’) and something like ‘Gremlins’ and it’s sequel. These films seem to get the balance right. Fuck the balance up and you get ‘Spirit Camp’ which seems to be more like a shitty straight-to-DVD American Pie film which happens to have a serial killer for some reason (Seriously, no reason is ever given for the killers killer-ousness…).

This one time at Spirit Camp…

Let me give you an example of some of the humour. There is a sign at the camp which reads CAMP LUMIS: Pop. 69. Hahahah! That is funny because 69 is a sexual position as well as being a number! Hahahah! What great times we are having, you and I. Also if you’re going to reference a character from Halloween, maybe you should spell the name fucking correctly. It’s Loomis you fucktards, not Lumis. Fuck.

Yes that’s the level we’re dealing with here people. I’m not gonna lie to you. It hurts. Hurts deep. Hurts like a big hurty thing covered in spike being repeatedly shoved into your face before you suffer the final indignity of having it shoved somewhere you’d really rather prefer spikey, hurty things were not shoved.

As for the horror aspect, well there is shit that just doesn’t make sense here. I know, I know. There’s always shit that doesn’t make sense in a horror film. Things like characters running blindly into the woods in order to escape or people going upstairs in order to look for their friend in a wheelchair that they had left by themselves (See Friday the 13th: Part 2 for more details) but the shit that happens in this film just stretches the bounds of believability to breaking point.

For example, there are approximately six girls attending the camp, although one never makes it there, which leads me to ask the question just how the fuck does this summer camp for cheerleading actually stay open? I’m sure running a camp is probably quite costly so I’m sure they’d need to open their doors to a few more people. Anyway, that’s besides the point. My point is that one girl goes missing fairly early on and no one seems to remember her until far, far later on. I could understand her disappearance going unnoticed in a large group but in a group as small as the one in the movie, it should be noticed earlier. None of the camp counsellors notice either. In fact the woman who owns the camp leaves in order to by ammunition and is never heard from again.

The film also features what may be the most incompetent cop I have ever seen in a any film., despite his insistence that he’s hella experienced because of his 30 years on the force. A psychopathic killer has escaped from the local jail and he’s going to warn the woman who owns the camp. On his way he discovers a bag lying in the road. He pulls out a pair of panties, sniffs them and puts them in his pocket. Then he takes the bag and puts it in his car. Of course if he investigated the scene like a fucking cop probably should under these specific circumstances, then he would have found the body of a dead cheerleader mere feet away behind a tree. Then the camp would have been evacuated, a few more lives would have been saved and this movie wouldn’t of had to have happened. Fuck you cop and fuck you movie.

Fucking hell, I could go on and on about the plot holes in this film. Like why doesn’t the killer kill one character earlier on when he’s walking alone with her for sometime? Last time I checked movie serial killers weren’t that good at urge control. Why is the one girl camp counsellor coming on to the stereotypically gay camp counsellor especially when she’s known him for years and why does her head terrify me? Is the camp on week long or two weeks long? Accounts vary based on whether it is a parent or a camp counsellor doing the talking. Why is there unnecessary stock footage of an alligator? Why does that chick with the sweet body though slightly odd face have the fattest boyfriend imaginable and no one mentions it? I’m assuming they’d run out of actors. Seriously, that’s not even half of the problems but I don‘t have eternity to sit here.

Right let’s wrap this the fuck up by talking about the acting. It’s god fuck awful. It’s not helped by the god fuck awful script either and when you combine these two aspects together what you get is dialogue delivered like the worst porno you’ve ever seen. They sound like they’re just getting through the lines because hey, no ones here for that, we just need to get to the hardcore fucking as quickly as possible. But you know what? There is no hardcore fucking! Goddamn it movie, if you’re going to star what seem like Z-grade porn stars and have a Z-grade porn-esque script you good at least deliver on the promise that those things suggest. Instead the money shot here is a dude sitting next to a box full of dynamite that explodes…. And he survives with wuite minor looking burns all things considered.

So was there anything good about this movie? Well there was a raccoon in it for a few seconds and raccoons are the greatest things evolution ever produced. Raccoons make all films bearable, right?

Oh right… I guess not.

Ok, well then I guess there’s nothing redeemable about this film. Literally nothing. And don’t get me wrong. I love bad films. I’ve probably watched ‘The Room’ more times than I’ve watched any other film in the past year but this… this isn’t a film. This is just a thing that probably shouldn’t exist. Having said that, it’s still better than watching a film by those fucktards Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer so I guess I have to give it that. Well done movie. Well done. Overall, I’m gonna give it a half pint out of five just for that raccoon. I can’t help it they rule. Seriously though, if you do ever accidentally watch this film, here’s a little song I wrote to help you through:

It’s only illegal,
If you get caught.

With that in mind, I bid you adieu. Laterz.

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