Cinepub


Catchin’ Up With Fred by Jamie
I’ve been in a bit of an odd mood lately compounded by money troubles, sleeping troubles and this oppressive heat. I’ve been trying to write a review of the original Karate Kid for the past week or so now and have found it incredibly difficult for some reason which has done nothing to improve my mood. So what can I possibly do to counter-act this terrible, stymied feeling? Well I can always check in with the internet’s most baffling celebrity, Fred. It is worth mentioning that Fred’s YouTube channel has now been set-up like a TV show featuring different seasons and numbered episodes. This infuriates me.
First some background. Fred Figglehorn was created by “actor” Lucas Cruikshank. I use quotation marks around the word actor there because if all it takes to be an actor is filming yourself acting like a retard, raise the pitch on the audio and post it to YouTube then everyone can be a fucking actor even Shia LaBoeuf.

Anyway the main premise is that Fred is a mentally-impaired six year old with a dysfunctional home life who goes on adventures and such. I assume he’s supposed to be mentally impaired. I see nothing to suggest otherwise. Fred’s voice is pitched higher and the videos sped up slightly in order to make Fred seem more like a six year old which seems odd because I’ve never seen or heard a six year old who looks and sounds like a chipmunk on a coke binge. I think the main point I’m trying to get across here is that Fred is the most terrible blight the internet has unleashed upon the world and I cannot understand why people seem to love him. Let’s look at the stats.

As of June 2010, the Fred channel has received over 85 million channel views, over 496 million video views since its launch, and over 1.7 million channel subscribers, it is listed as the number two all-time most subscribed YouTube channel. If all of that doesn’t make you want to vomit with terror then you’ve clearly never seen a Fred video. Oh internet, what happened to you? You used to be so fun with your video-game based web-comics and porn featuring things I could never get a woman to do in real life. We used to be best buds, you used to be cool man.

Ok folks, prepare yourself for the latest video in the terrifyingly annoying Fred saga, ‘Fred Goes Reporting’…

Hmmm, seems a little less frantic than the usual bullshit Fred sprays all over the internet but it was still fairly damn annoying. Remember folks, this is season 4. Four seasons of Fred screeching, yelling and just generally asking to be stabbed over and over again until his crimson juices flow…. I’m sorry, I got distracted. I have to admit though, I did laugh at this one for a second or so. The bit where he was rubbing the microphone over the cops face was kinda funny.

But still, look at the guy. He’s not an actor. Anyone can do what he does in these videos and I really hope the other people in this video were “actors” as well because no one needs to experience this asshole in real life, especially that cop. In fact the only reason I’m assuming that cop wasn’t real is because Fred wasn’t lying on the floor covered in nightstick wounds after the first two lines of that interview.

Also distressing is the request at the end requesting comments about people who remind you of Fred. I can assure Mr. Cruishank that anyone who reminds me of Fred died by my hands a long, long time ago and should we ever meet in real life you’ll likely meet a similar fate! Ok, maybe not but I probably wouldn’t talk to you and I certainly wouldn’t buy you a beer.

Anyway, onto the future. Fred: The Movie  <sigh> will air on Nickelodeon in August… which is actually a relief as it was originally going to get a theatrical release. Can you imagine an hour and a half of that cunt’s voice playing through fucking cinema speakers? Ugh, I just threw up in my own ears somehow.

Anyway, this has just been a short little thing to try and get me writing again and since I write better when I’m pissed off, I figured Fred would be a perfect subject… Probably not, actually, because there isn’t that much substance to it when you get down to it but I just enjoy hating on the guy so just give me this one and we’ll move on to whatever comes down the pipeline next, Ok? Good. So I’ll see you in August for my review of Fred: The Movie. Laterz.



Catchin' Up With Fred by Jamie
I’ve been in a bit of an odd mood lately compounded by money troubles, sleeping troubles and this oppressive heat. I’ve been trying to write a review of the original Karate Kid for the past week or so now and have found it incredibly difficult for some reason which has done nothing to improve my mood. So what can I possibly do to counter-act this terrible, stymied feeling? Well I can always check in with the internet’s most baffling celebrity, Fred. It is worth mentioning that Fred’s YouTube channel has now been set-up like a TV show featuring different seasons and numbered episodes. This infuriates me.
First some background. Fred Figglehorn was created by “actor” Lucas Cruikshank. I use quotation marks around the word actor there because if all it takes to be an actor is filming yourself acting like a retard, raise the pitch on the audio and post it to YouTube then everyone can be a fucking actor even Shia LaBoeuf.

Anyway the main premise is that Fred is a mentally-impaired six year old with a dysfunctional home life who goes on adventures and such. I assume he’s supposed to be mentally impaired. I see nothing to suggest otherwise. Fred’s voice is pitched higher and the videos sped up slightly in order to make Fred seem more like a six year old which seems odd because I’ve never seen or heard a six year old who looks and sounds like a chipmunk on a coke binge. I think the main point I’m trying to get across here is that Fred is the most terrible blight the internet has unleashed upon the world and I cannot understand why people seem to love him. Let’s look at the stats.

As of June 2010, the Fred channel has received over 85 million channel views, over 496 million video views since its launch, and over 1.7 million channel subscribers, it is listed as the number two all-time most subscribed YouTube channel. If all of that doesn’t make you want to vomit with terror then you’ve clearly never seen a Fred video. Oh internet, what happened to you? You used to be so fun with your video-game based web-comics and porn featuring things I could never get a woman to do in real life. We used to be best buds, you used to be cool man.

Ok folks, prepare yourself for the latest video in the terrifyingly annoying Fred saga, ‘Fred Goes Reporting’…

Hmmm, seems a little less frantic than the usual bullshit Fred sprays all over the internet but it was still fairly damn annoying. Remember folks, this is season 4. Four seasons of Fred screeching, yelling and just generally asking to be stabbed over and over again until his crimson juices flow…. I’m sorry, I got distracted. I have to admit though, I did laugh at this one for a second or so. The bit where he was rubbing the microphone over the cops face was kinda funny.

But still, look at the guy. He’s not an actor. Anyone can do what he does in these videos and I really hope the other people in this video were “actors” as well because no one needs to experience this asshole in real life, especially that cop. In fact the only reason I’m assuming that cop wasn’t real is because Fred wasn’t lying on the floor covered in nightstick wounds after the first two lines of that interview.

Also distressing is the request at the end requesting comments about people who remind you of Fred. I can assure Mr. Cruishank that anyone who reminds me of Fred died by my hands a long, long time ago and should we ever meet in real life you’ll likely meet a similar fate! Ok, maybe not but I probably wouldn’t talk to you and I certainly wouldn’t buy you a beer.

Anyway, onto the future. Fred: The Movie  <sigh> will air on Nickelodeon in August… which is actually a relief as it was originally going to get a theatrical release. Can you imagine an hour and a half of that cunt’s voice playing through fucking cinema speakers? Ugh, I just threw up in my own ears somehow.

Anyway, this has just been a short little thing to try and get me writing again and since I write better when I’m pissed off, I figured Fred would be a perfect subject… Probably not, actually, because there isn’t that much substance to it when you get down to it but I just enjoy hating on the guy so just give me this one and we’ll move on to whatever comes down the pipeline next, Ok? Good. So I’ll see you in August for my review of Fred: The Movie. Laterz.



Review: Antichrist by Jamie

Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

Hmm, how do I start this review? Well, Antichrist is the 2009 horror film directed by Lars Von Trier. It stars Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg. The majority of it takes place in the woods. Some of it is shot in black and white and some of it is shot in colour. Well, hope you enjoyed the review. Laterz.

No, I suppose I can think of a few more things to say. I’m sure you’ve all heard of Antichrist. It’s the controversial film that shocked audiences and reviewers alike, apparently. One reviewer was so shocked that he reviewed the film without even seeing the film! It’s true! An actual film ‘critic’ was actually paid by a ‘newspaper’ in the UK to review a film he hadn’t seen! You can read the pricks ‘incredibly valid opinion’ here. My god, what a cunt.

So I suppose we should address all this right up front. Does Antichrist deserve the controversy surrounding it? Well, yes and no. I say this because different people find different things controversial. I find neither graphic sex nor graphic violence to be that offensive because, at the end of the day, it’s just a goddamn film and I can separate reality from fiction because I’m a rational human being. That being said, there were two scenes in particular which I did find a little difficult to watch. One involves violence against the male sexual organ and the other involves self-inflicted violence against a certain part of female genitalia. Yeah, nice.

However, there are some people who do find depictions of graphic sex and violence to be offensive, so to those people I would say that yes, the film probably does deserve the controversy that you yourselves have likely generated for it. I suppose I can see the point of some of your concerns. Is it necessary to depict such things in films? Well, sometimes I would say that yes, yes it is. Sex and violence are intrinsic parts of the human experience, probably two of the biggest components of the human psyche. When we sink to our most base and instinctual level, when we loose track of rational thought entirely, it is generally because of these two extremes of our basic nature. Some films exist to be reflections of human nature and therefore it would be necessary to include these two elements. I think that makes sense. It seems to when I read it back but that could have been because I wrote it so I understand what I mean anyway.

I suppose there has also been some criticism that the film is misogynistic. I can kind of see where that criticism comes from and this film but really it just mirrors age old themes that have been part of human storytelling for thousands of years. I’m not saying it’s right but if every time a film that has something controversial to say is instantly branded as evil then we might as well stick to making shitty ‘The Land Before Time’ sequels. Besides, I feel that the misogynistic component of the film can largely be explained through the mutual insanity of the couple. I don’t think it’s inherent to either character.

Antichrist is very much a film about human nature. Specifically it’s about death, the reaction to it, sex, violence and insanity. It begins with a couple, Dafoe and Gainsbourg, fucking in slow motion while their child wanders from its room and out of an open window to it’s death. This child’s death is the catalyst for the events which follow. At the funeral Gainsborough collapses and is taken to hospital. She spends the next month slipping in and out of a coma-like state and loses perception of time. Her therapist husband, Dafoe, decides to take her home and get her off of her medication, forcing her to confront the mourning process whilst also enabling him to take her on as a kind of patient. It seems, at first, as though this is to help her but you also get the impression that he enjoys treating his wife in this way.

Gainsbourg reveals that the thing she fears the most is Eden, a wooded area where she had spent some time with her child the summer previously whilst she was writing her thesis in Gynocide, a word that I can’t help but find hilarious because I’m currently reading Lloyd Kaufman’s book ‘Direct Your Own Damn Movie’ throughout which he refers to ladies of the female persuasion as gynos. Dafoe decides that it would be best for her if she were to go to Eden and confront her fear. Straight away it seems as though the woods are trying to fuck with the couple. First of all Dafoe sees a deer with a dead baby deer… Wait a minute, what the fuck is a baby deer called? Shit, I can’t remember… I’ll just call it a deerling… So yeah, Dafoe sees a deer with a dead deerling hanging from it’s deergina. Later on the couple see a little birdling fall from a tree. This is serves, of course, to remind the couple of their own dead humanling and to further provoke their respective insanity. Dafoe also sees a fox that is eating itself which turns to him and screeches ‘Chaos Reigns!’ It is awesome.

You see, whilst Gainsbourg was in Eden before, her studies of Gynocide and specifically the witch trials of the past, had lead her to believe that there was some kind of inherent evil within women. As her psychosis and guilt over the death of her child builds within her, she begins to believe that she can perform some of the practices that the witches of old used to carry out. This leads her to the aforementioned acts of genitalia centric violence as well as bolting a grind-stone through his leg. Events continue to build, with wilder and wilder hallucinations on both their parts until the film reaches it’s conclusion. I’m gonna leave the plot synopsis there because I don’t want to give too much away as I’d like to leave people enough mystery so that they’d still want to see the film.

Of course, during that synopsis I mentioned that the events are caused by the couples growing insanity and that’s certainly one way to look at it. There is of course the alternative option which is to accept that all the things that they think they are seeing and all the powers Gainsborough believes she has are actually real. Which do I subscribe to? Well, despite my synopsis taking a definite point of view, I myself am not really sure. I think there are good cases to made for both and I haven’t really made up my mind yet. I suggest you watch it for yourself and make up your own mind.

So, how do I rate Antichrist as a film? Well, I’m certainly glad I watched it, if glad is the correct word to use in this situation. I don’t think it’s as dramatically shocking or offensive as people have made it out to be and it’s certainly shot and acted incredibly well. In fact one of the most disturbing things about the film is the number of close-ups you get of Willem Dafoe’s face. He is one creepy bastard and I think he can see my soul through the screen. There is one major problem that I had with the film though. It’s kind of slow. It takes some time to actually get to Eden and, whilst the earlier scenes serve to give some background to the plot, you can’t help but wonder if maybe they couldn’t have gotten to the cabin some time sooner. Overall, I give Antichrist 3 pints out of 5. Laterz.



WTF: Executive Koala by Jamie

Yes, it’s time to take a look at some of the more bizarre films that have been released throughout the world and I’m gonna be honest from the get go, a lot of these films are gonna be from Japan. They just have a way with the pants crappingly insane and I love them for it. In that vein, the first film I’m going to be looking at is the 2005 film, ‘Executive Koala’ directed by Minoru Kawasaki.

Christ, I’m not even sure where to start with this though the beginning seems to be a pretty good place. The film opens with a happy little song which seems even odder once you get into what the film is actually about. The song is a accompanied with strange little ‘Hello Kitty’ style illustrations of a koala in a business suit performing various actions such as exercising and urinating up against a pole. Allow me to transcribe the lyrics, as they were in the translation I found, to this most awesome song.

‘He’s got such cute eyes,
He’s got gray fur
He’s a sweet thing
He’s a happy-go-lucky kind of guy
Restructuring, emotion
Nothing gets him down
Extramarital affairs, getting a divorce,
The world is beautiful
Go! Executive Koala!
Go! Executive Koala!
You don’t want to make him mad
Go! Executive Koala!
Go! Executive Koala!
A world filled with love
Is just ahead of us
Koala
Koala’

So yeah. I hope that gives you a small taste of the things to come. So the film opens and we learn that Executive Koala is appropriately enough an executive at a pickling company. A pickling company that is run by a six foot tall anthropomorphic bunny. It just makes sense. Life is pretty good for the Koala named Tamura. He’s got a sweet job which he’s very good at, makes a decent living and has a human girlfriend. Then, one day, his human girlfriend is murdered and he is quickly made the prime suspect.

There isn’t any direct evidence against him however and so he is allowed to go free… For now! Anyway, he begins a new project at work in which he tries to convince the head of a Korean kimchi supplier to enter into a business partnership. This leads into a montage wherein Tamura takes the head of the kimchi company around what I assume is Tokyo, sightseeing and such. Keep in mind that Tamura is a human sized, anthropomorphic koala wearing a business suit. Oh, and it also turns out that the head of the kimchi company has a pet flying squirrel that’s about the size of a small dog.

Seriously, what the fuck has happened to animals in this world? Why are there giant ones wearing clothes? Why are there others that are bigger than they should be? Is it all because of some bizarre genetic experimentation? Why does this film have a frog that runs a convenience store? It can’t be millions of years in the future when animals have evolved to this point naturally because it’s clearly the modern era.

Anyway, it turns out the Mr. Kimchi, who’s name I just can’t be bothered to find out, was a former lover of Tamura’s ex-wife who has been missing for some time. It turns out that they were in correspondence for some time whilst she was with Tamura and she sent him photos of herself after Tamura beat her, events that Tamura himself fails to remember.

Anyway, it turns out that Tamura used to be the head of the pickling company but, because of some horrific racial memory of what Western settlers did to his more arboreal and normal looking ancestors 100 years ago (Which means that either Koala‘s evolve incredibly rapidly or yeah, it‘s some sort of genetic experiment thing), he had a deep seated hatred for humans, a hatred he used to take out on his wife. His rabbit boss and his psychiatrist inform him that he killed his wife and they erased his memory of this incident and the rabbit took control of the company. Believing that he has killed his ex-wife and his girlfriend, Tamura decides to turn himself him but the psychiatrist and the rabbit try and stop him and inject him with a tranquilizer.

When Tamura regains consciousness, he finds the rabbit and the psychiatrist dead and is quickly arrested and sent to Alcatraz which seems to be in Japan now for some reason. Whilst there he suffers at the hands of the other inmates but is soon rescued and released from prison by Mr. Kimchi’s giant flying squirrel. This is where things really get fucked up.

It turns out that Mr. Kimchi and Tamura’s ex-wife have been going around killing people and making it seem as though Tamura was the culprit in order to exact their revenge. It also turns out that Tamura’s girlfriend was really his ex-wife wearing a mask. Oh, and his ex-wife learned the ancient Korean method of resurrection from Mr. Kimchi which is why she isn’t all dead and that. It just makes sense.

Anyway, his wife is about to shoot Tamura when the detective who arrested him jumps in the way of the bullet. He tells Tamura that he has found out he is innocent and a battle ensues between Tamura, his wife and Mr. Kimchi. They knock each other out and awaken at sunrise. Then they… all laugh… at the sunrise… and become friends with Tamura and his wife deciding to get remarried. They kiss while Mr. Kimchi applause, his applause apparently bringing the shot detective back to consciousness. Guess he knew the ancient Korean method of resurrection as well. Good for him. He applauds the koala and his wife as well, apparently forgetting about all of the murders she committed and the fact that she shot him. They all stand together and stare into the distance whilst a circular rift in time and space appears in the top-left corner to reveal the shop-keeping frog I mentioned earlier who is also now applauding. There the film ends.

Right. Well. I feel like I’ve been brain raped. I’m not sure exactly what happened here and I’m fairly sure my synopsis hasn’t really helped you figure out what happened here. The plot is actually fairly normal right up until that batshit crazy ending and it would actually be quite boring except for the fact that everything that’s happening is happening to a god damn six-foot tall koala fucking bear. The suit that the guy wears is actually quite impressive. It blinks, the mouth opens and it has two thumbs, just like a real koala. It doesn’t make the film any less insane but it is quite cool. The frog looked dodgy though.

So yeah… Umm, I’m not really sure what else to say about this except it was actually quite entertaining. I really have to check out some of this guys other films which include titles such as ‘Calamari Wrestler’ and ‘Crab Goalkeeper’. I think this dude has found his niche, job plus animal, and is sticking with it. Good for him. Overall I give Executive Koala three and a half pints out of five. Laterz.




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