Cinepub


Catchin’ Up With Fred by Jamie
I’ve been in a bit of an odd mood lately compounded by money troubles, sleeping troubles and this oppressive heat. I’ve been trying to write a review of the original Karate Kid for the past week or so now and have found it incredibly difficult for some reason which has done nothing to improve my mood. So what can I possibly do to counter-act this terrible, stymied feeling? Well I can always check in with the internet’s most baffling celebrity, Fred. It is worth mentioning that Fred’s YouTube channel has now been set-up like a TV show featuring different seasons and numbered episodes. This infuriates me.
First some background. Fred Figglehorn was created by “actor” Lucas Cruikshank. I use quotation marks around the word actor there because if all it takes to be an actor is filming yourself acting like a retard, raise the pitch on the audio and post it to YouTube then everyone can be a fucking actor even Shia LaBoeuf.

Anyway the main premise is that Fred is a mentally-impaired six year old with a dysfunctional home life who goes on adventures and such. I assume he’s supposed to be mentally impaired. I see nothing to suggest otherwise. Fred’s voice is pitched higher and the videos sped up slightly in order to make Fred seem more like a six year old which seems odd because I’ve never seen or heard a six year old who looks and sounds like a chipmunk on a coke binge. I think the main point I’m trying to get across here is that Fred is the most terrible blight the internet has unleashed upon the world and I cannot understand why people seem to love him. Let’s look at the stats.

As of June 2010, the Fred channel has received over 85 million channel views, over 496 million video views since its launch, and over 1.7 million channel subscribers, it is listed as the number two all-time most subscribed YouTube channel. If all of that doesn’t make you want to vomit with terror then you’ve clearly never seen a Fred video. Oh internet, what happened to you? You used to be so fun with your video-game based web-comics and porn featuring things I could never get a woman to do in real life. We used to be best buds, you used to be cool man.

Ok folks, prepare yourself for the latest video in the terrifyingly annoying Fred saga, ‘Fred Goes Reporting’…

Hmmm, seems a little less frantic than the usual bullshit Fred sprays all over the internet but it was still fairly damn annoying. Remember folks, this is season 4. Four seasons of Fred screeching, yelling and just generally asking to be stabbed over and over again until his crimson juices flow…. I’m sorry, I got distracted. I have to admit though, I did laugh at this one for a second or so. The bit where he was rubbing the microphone over the cops face was kinda funny.

But still, look at the guy. He’s not an actor. Anyone can do what he does in these videos and I really hope the other people in this video were “actors” as well because no one needs to experience this asshole in real life, especially that cop. In fact the only reason I’m assuming that cop wasn’t real is because Fred wasn’t lying on the floor covered in nightstick wounds after the first two lines of that interview.

Also distressing is the request at the end requesting comments about people who remind you of Fred. I can assure Mr. Cruishank that anyone who reminds me of Fred died by my hands a long, long time ago and should we ever meet in real life you’ll likely meet a similar fate! Ok, maybe not but I probably wouldn’t talk to you and I certainly wouldn’t buy you a beer.

Anyway, onto the future. Fred: The Movie  <sigh> will air on Nickelodeon in August… which is actually a relief as it was originally going to get a theatrical release. Can you imagine an hour and a half of that cunt’s voice playing through fucking cinema speakers? Ugh, I just threw up in my own ears somehow.

Anyway, this has just been a short little thing to try and get me writing again and since I write better when I’m pissed off, I figured Fred would be a perfect subject… Probably not, actually, because there isn’t that much substance to it when you get down to it but I just enjoy hating on the guy so just give me this one and we’ll move on to whatever comes down the pipeline next, Ok? Good. So I’ll see you in August for my review of Fred: The Movie. Laterz.



Catchin' Up With Fred by Jamie
I’ve been in a bit of an odd mood lately compounded by money troubles, sleeping troubles and this oppressive heat. I’ve been trying to write a review of the original Karate Kid for the past week or so now and have found it incredibly difficult for some reason which has done nothing to improve my mood. So what can I possibly do to counter-act this terrible, stymied feeling? Well I can always check in with the internet’s most baffling celebrity, Fred. It is worth mentioning that Fred’s YouTube channel has now been set-up like a TV show featuring different seasons and numbered episodes. This infuriates me.
First some background. Fred Figglehorn was created by “actor” Lucas Cruikshank. I use quotation marks around the word actor there because if all it takes to be an actor is filming yourself acting like a retard, raise the pitch on the audio and post it to YouTube then everyone can be a fucking actor even Shia LaBoeuf.

Anyway the main premise is that Fred is a mentally-impaired six year old with a dysfunctional home life who goes on adventures and such. I assume he’s supposed to be mentally impaired. I see nothing to suggest otherwise. Fred’s voice is pitched higher and the videos sped up slightly in order to make Fred seem more like a six year old which seems odd because I’ve never seen or heard a six year old who looks and sounds like a chipmunk on a coke binge. I think the main point I’m trying to get across here is that Fred is the most terrible blight the internet has unleashed upon the world and I cannot understand why people seem to love him. Let’s look at the stats.

As of June 2010, the Fred channel has received over 85 million channel views, over 496 million video views since its launch, and over 1.7 million channel subscribers, it is listed as the number two all-time most subscribed YouTube channel. If all of that doesn’t make you want to vomit with terror then you’ve clearly never seen a Fred video. Oh internet, what happened to you? You used to be so fun with your video-game based web-comics and porn featuring things I could never get a woman to do in real life. We used to be best buds, you used to be cool man.

Ok folks, prepare yourself for the latest video in the terrifyingly annoying Fred saga, ‘Fred Goes Reporting’…

Hmmm, seems a little less frantic than the usual bullshit Fred sprays all over the internet but it was still fairly damn annoying. Remember folks, this is season 4. Four seasons of Fred screeching, yelling and just generally asking to be stabbed over and over again until his crimson juices flow…. I’m sorry, I got distracted. I have to admit though, I did laugh at this one for a second or so. The bit where he was rubbing the microphone over the cops face was kinda funny.

But still, look at the guy. He’s not an actor. Anyone can do what he does in these videos and I really hope the other people in this video were “actors” as well because no one needs to experience this asshole in real life, especially that cop. In fact the only reason I’m assuming that cop wasn’t real is because Fred wasn’t lying on the floor covered in nightstick wounds after the first two lines of that interview.

Also distressing is the request at the end requesting comments about people who remind you of Fred. I can assure Mr. Cruishank that anyone who reminds me of Fred died by my hands a long, long time ago and should we ever meet in real life you’ll likely meet a similar fate! Ok, maybe not but I probably wouldn’t talk to you and I certainly wouldn’t buy you a beer.

Anyway, onto the future. Fred: The Movie  <sigh> will air on Nickelodeon in August… which is actually a relief as it was originally going to get a theatrical release. Can you imagine an hour and a half of that cunt’s voice playing through fucking cinema speakers? Ugh, I just threw up in my own ears somehow.

Anyway, this has just been a short little thing to try and get me writing again and since I write better when I’m pissed off, I figured Fred would be a perfect subject… Probably not, actually, because there isn’t that much substance to it when you get down to it but I just enjoy hating on the guy so just give me this one and we’ll move on to whatever comes down the pipeline next, Ok? Good. So I’ll see you in August for my review of Fred: The Movie. Laterz.



Great Scenes From Shit Films, Part 2: The Wizard by Jamie

In 1989 a strange creature was unleashed upon the world, a strange hybrid beast, not quite an advert, not quite a movie. It starred a young Christian Slater, a younger Fred Savage and that dude who’s in lots of things. You know the one I mean, whatshisname. Yeah, him. The “film” was called the Wizard and it’s best known for being the western world’s introduction to Super Mario Bros. 3, one of the best selling video games of all time.

I don’t think I need to tell you that it’s terrbile. Well, not terrible… fucking awful may be a better description. Filled with Nintendo games, Father/son bed sharing, the first appearance of a young Tobey Maguire and the odd paedophile joke thrown in for good measure, the film tells the unfollowable story of Jimmy, a little kid who is retarded in some way but is really good at Nintendo games like Rain Man if he was sponsored by a large Japanese electronics industry giant.

Something bad is going to happen to Jimmy for some reason and so his brother, Corey, breaks him out of the care home he lives in. Jimmy wants to go to California and to do that they need money so Corey decides to pit Jimmy against middle aged buisness men, who haunted the arcades back in the late 80s, for money. Jimmy wins, they get cash. They meet Haley, a street smart girl from a poor family and make their way across the USA.

Meanwhile Corey’s brother and father are trying to track them down as is Putnam, the villain/comic relief, a private investigator hired by Jimmy’s mother and step-father. God just writing this is making me angry. Blah Blah Blah, video game contest, blah blah blah, funky tie, blah blah Mario 3, blah blah blah Dinosaurs from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

The important scene in this film is one in which the characters meet up with LUCAS! LUCAS! is the Nintendo God of his quiet desert town. He owns all the NES cartridges, is awesome at all of them and he has a secret weapon. Something so awesome that to gaze upon it is to break down in tears, shit your pants and know that there is a God, thy name is LUCAS! What is this holy Nintendo relic? The Power Glove, of course. With it LUCAS! shall surely crush all who dare defy him! It comes in a case with his fucking name on it! Seriously, how do you out-awesome that?

Now, if you’ve ever actually used the Power Glove you know it’s a total piece of shit, unresponsive in every regard of the word. Though it does apparently allow you to land the plane on Top Gun, something I failed to do as a kid with a normal controller. Still the fact that the Power Glove is played up so much in this singular scene makes it that much funnier. So enjoy and I do reccomend the actual film to be honest, I love the Wizard. It’s so bad.




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