Halloweak: Cheerleader Autopsy by Jamie

I have just finished watching what may be the worst film I have ever seen. And that really is saying something. I’ve seen ‘The Room’, ‘Troll 2’, ‘Birdemic’, ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ and ‘Battlefield Earth’ but at least they had some redeeming features. They were all, in some way enjoyable. They fall into the category of film that can be described as being so bad that they are good. It is fun to watch them just because they are so bowel-shatteringly awful and the important thing to remember is that each film takes themselves completely and utterly seriously. Cheerleader Autopsy doesn’t fall into this category. It falls into the so bad, it’s bad category and one of the reasons for this is because it’s intentionally trying to be funny and as far as horror comedies go, it makes yesterday’s entry, ‘Horny House of Horror’ look like Shaun of the Dead.

So what makes Cheerleader Autopsy so painfully unfunny? Is it the crude, incredibly lowbrow humour that includes a close up of someone hacking of their own penis (is every film I review this week going to involve some form of genital mutilation?), pressing down just above a dead girls corpse to make a jet of water shoot from her vagina and a hillbilly mistakenly shooting himself in the head when he thinks there is something wrong with his gun? No, I generally consider myself to be quite immature but these jokes just weren’t hitting home. I think what it may have been was the constant stream of immature and gross out humour. I think back to the films that I love which have quite a high level of what could be considered juvenile humour, such as the films of Kevin Smith, and the reason I’ve enjoyed them is because whilst they do have that level of immaturity, they are well written and always have something else going on in them as well, something substantial that raises the level of the film as a whole. Cheerleader Autopsy is poorly written, cramming as many stupid jokes in as it can within it’s short (but seemingly excruciatingly long) 73 minute run time and it has nothing of substance to fall back on.

So what is the plot of Cheerleader Autopsy? Well, that’s kind of like asking what is the meaning of life. There could be many interpretations but the question itself is practically unanswerable. There’s a cheerleader team called the Stinkwater Beavers (oh, the hilarity!), they get killed, there is a mental mortician who also happens to be the sheriff of the town and his nephew who works as his assistant. The mortician has another assistant who’s a bit socially retarded because he has a small penis (he’s the guy who chops off his own in order to attach a larger member from a body that’s brought in) and now that I think about it, I think there’s only one actual autopsy… although I suppose the film isn‘t called Cheerleader Autopsies so far enough. Oh and there’s jokes and hints about necrophilia and eating the brains of foetuses littered throughout. Now that I think about it, maybe it is the crude humour that makes this suck. I mean, eating the brains of foetuses? I’m a man who regularly makes jokes about paedophilia and even I think that’s going a bit too far.

Of course, the humour can’t be completely held responsible here. There’s also the terrible acting, terrible editing, terrible sound, terrible camera work, terrible picture quality and terrible everything. If you’ve seen Birdemic, imagine all of these things being a fraction better than that and yet Birdemic still remains the far more enjoyable film. Look, I’m really sick of thinking about this film and I’ve got a pub quiz to get ready for. Time to get completely drunk. To sum up just imagine you had a really stupid friend with a camcorder and a worrying level of access to a number of Real Dolls. The result would be something like this film. To further sum up, just watch the damn trailer. 0 pints out of five. Laterz.

%d bloggers like this: