Cinepub


Review: The Expendables 2 by Jamie

 

BANG!!! BOOM!!! FURTHER EXPLOSION NOISE FOLLOWED OR PRECEDED BY A CHEESY ONE LINER!!! Yes, I don’t think I’m giving away too much when I put forth exactly what’s expected of the sequel to The Expendables nor am I really entering spoiler territory when I say that, yes, the film has explosions, gunfights, gratuitous violence, call backs to the stars previous films and veins that bulge in a way that truly, truly disgusts me. Yes, it’s exactly what you expect, yet another throw back to the 80s when action heroes were real men, quick on the draw and even quicker with a quip and my sweet fucking God, it is awesome.

To write a synopsis of the “plot” would be an insult to the words synopsis and plot. The story is so threadbare that you couldn’t use it to make a sweater for a fly. Stallone good, Van Damme bad. There. Honestly though, the lack of a plot is fine with me. As long as I get to see some ass kickery and men who are old enough to really know better doing stupid, awesome things. More men who are old enough to know better join the cast in the form of the previously mentioned Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris. Hell, why not add an actor just to satisfy an Internet joke that’s almost as old as the main stars of this film? And no, Norris can’t act. Hell, I’m a better actor and my experience only includes playing a Roman Emperor in a school play when I was 9 and playing a pretty much non-speaking gangster when I was 15. Arnie and Bruce Willis return with expanded roles and they really, really seem like they’re having a good time.

Now there is perhaps one problem I have with this film and that’s that the violence seemed as though it had perhaps been toned down a little. Yes, there were still some pretty sweet deaths and sprays of blood but it didn’t seem anything like the chaos of the last film. On the other hand there’s also a lot less time spent watching Stallone running like the man 4 years away from 70 that he is so maybe it’s a fair trade.

So that’s about all for the review because, honestly, you already know if you’re the type of person who is going to see this movie so this is really more a reassurance than a review. Yes, everything you want is there. Go, watch it and hope that they get Kurt Russell for number three. Laterz.

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Great Scenes From Shit Films, Part 8: Batman And Robin by Jamie

It’s been a while since my last post but I’ve been suprisingly busy lately. Today we’ll be looking something just a little notorious. I give you:

Well, here we go then. One of the greatest atrocities ever committed to film. Something so bad it killed not only the Batman franchise but comic book movies in general for several years. Was Batman Forever bad? Undoubtedly. But this? This is… Well watching this is akin to accidentally setting your genitalia on fire, then having someone piss on you to try and put the fire out but missing the fire and hitting you square in the face. That having failed they decide to stamp the fire out before giving up and leaving you there to die. It’s pretty fucking bad.

So what exactly do we have here? Well George Clooney dons the bat-mantle this time, with Anakin Skywalker playing Robin. What? Sorry, that’s Chris O’Donnell. Guess I was confused by his constant fucking whining.

The film opens to them gearing up for business. And oh, how they gear up for business with there new and improved muscle-toned and be-nippled outfits. Marvel at the fine craftsmanship on the ass crack! Revel in delight at the sight of the plastic six-pack! And gasp with joy at the sight of those bat-nipples! I’m sure it’s just the design Bruce Wayne had in mind when he decided that criminals were a superstitious lot that would fear the visage of a bat!

Anyway they eventually (and I do mean eventually, the Batmobile takes forever to emerge from it’s holding space in the Batcave) arrive at the scene of the crime where Mr. Freeze, played here by >shudder< Arnie, is trying to steal a Diamond from Gotham City’s Museum which seems to have all of it’s exhibits in one large neon room. Mr. Freeze makes a few ice puns, freezes Robin, grabs the diamond and escapes. It should be noted at this point that ice puns will feature regularly in this movie. Far, far to regularly. Also of note is the fact that Mr. Freeze is a scientist. A scientist who claims that dinosaurs were made extinct by the Ice Age. I know it’s just another throw away ice pun but it really fucking bothers me.

Meanwhile in South America, Uma Thurman is working for Daniel Clamp who has apparently become a scientist and moved to the Southern Hemisphere after having his tower wrecked by Gremlins. I guess it makes sense. It appears as though they have developed a formula called Venom though Clamp won’t tell Uma what it’s ultimate purpose is. She soon discovers by spying on him when he administers it to a puny convict who then becomes >sigh< Bane. Except it’s not fucking Bane! I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised since we’ve already seen not Batman and not Robin fight not Mr Freeze but it’s getting too fucking much now.

Daniel Clamp realises that Uma has been watching him and dumps some chemicals on her when she refuses to join him. He’s convinced she’s dead but of course she isn’t because what this film needs is one more shitty villain. Introducing Poison Ivy! She kills Clamp with her poisonous kiss, finds out Wayne Enterprises has been funding Clamps research and heads to Gotham City with Bane! It’s yawn inducing excitement!

Meanwhile Alfred is dying and his niece Barbara Wilson comes to visit from… England? I mean, that’s what she says but she certainly seems to have an accent that I’ve never heard in this country except for when talking to foreigners… specifically foreigners from America. Oh fuck… I don’t think I can make it through this… I think this film is actually beating me. We’ve already had the wrong version of several Batman characters but it looks as though we’re going to get not Batgirl as well… Sigh. I need a beer. I’ll be back in a minute so Chill Out!

There, I feel better. At a charity event, Ivy puts herself up for auction for a date after dancing seductively whilst dressed as an ape. God, how I wish that didn’t happen. Batman and Robin begin bidding wildly, Batman eventually winning because of his Bat Credit Card. His Bat Credit Card. Where do they send his fucking bills? They actually let a man who dresses as a fucking flying rat have a fucking credit card? FUCK! More Beer.

Right lets get through this. So Freeze interrupts the party, throws around more ice puns and steals another diamond. Batman catches him and Freeze ends up in jail. Ivy busts Freeze out of jail and they join forces with Ivy’s plan being to get Freeze to freeze the world, killing off humans and animals so only plants survive… For fucks sake! She’s supposed to be a scientist too! Yet she knows nothing about exactly what would be affected by freezing the Earth! Has she ever seen anything about the south pole? Does she know what lives there? Fucking penguins! Penguins and no fucking plants! MnnNmNn! More Beer!

No. Fuck it. I’m done. You wanna know how it ends, watch the damn thing yourselves. This film has caused me actual physical pain. My brain hurts and I think my bladder may be failing. Either way this film has left me needing serious surgery. And serious beer. Fuck, I think my eyes might be bleeding. This film makes me want to go out and hurt actual bats. I love bats but now if I ever come across one I am likely to force it to endure Saw-esque levels of torture like making it watch Batman and Robin.

I’m sorry… I tried, tried so hard but it was to much. I never should have tried to take this on alone. If you find this blog post please tell my parents I loved them. My final wish is that I be buried with my DVD collection except for Batman and Robin which is to be destroyed in an appropriate manner. I would suggest toxic waste but I fear the disc would do more damage to the waste than vice versa.

Oh and your scene for today isn’t just one but an entire collection of Arnie’s Ice puns… I’m so very, very sorry.




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