Cinepub


Review: Alvin And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked by Jamie

The film series that seems intent on completely and utterly retarding the way that movies are titled continues with this latest entry, Chipwrecked. I can’t help get the feeling that a committee was put together when it came to creating this film and the first point on the agenda was coming up with a stupid pun title and then creating a plot based on said pun. Thus we have the incredibly annoying story of six incredibly annoying chipmunks stuck in an incredibly annoying plot contrivance because the main aim of these films seems to be to do nothing more than annoy the shit out of everyone who might accidentally see them.

So, in case you hadn’t guessed from the title, the main point of this film is that the Chipmunks and the Chipettes find themselves stranded on a desert island and they have to find a way to survive and get off of it and find Dave and for the good sweet sake of fuck does it actually matter? There’s shit to be done out there in the real world and I’m sitting here writing about the third film in a series about musical rodents. Where did I go wrong in life?

See at this point in the series the pain is physical, mental and liable to cause an existential crisis. Seriously, who the fuck actually sees these films (apart from me) that they actually warrant a trilogy? Who the hell are these films even aimed at? The legally brain dead? Rocks? Especially stupid single celled organisms? Certainly not children because a film aimed at children wouldn’t spend quite a bit of it’s plot referencing ‘Castaway’, an eleven year old film that I would go out on a limb and say that absolutely none of it’s supposed target audience has ever seen.

So what magic does this entry in the series bring to the table? Well, we get to see David Cross in a pelican costume. That’s… something. And Simon, the sensible, responsible chipmunk is bitten by a spider whose neurotoxin causes him to think he is a suave, adventurous Frenchman. I may not be a neurotoxicologist but I’m fairly certain that neurotoxins don’t work that way. He is also cured of his affliction near the end of the film with a bump to the head which, again whilst not a neurotoxicologist, I am pretty fucking sure isn’t the cure to being infected with neurotoxins. This turn of events also leads to Alvin rejecting his mischievous ways and taking on the role of the responsible one and we all learn an important lesson about blah blah blah. Fuck this movie.

There’s also a kooky woman who the tiny annoyances meet who has been stuck on the island for eight years. She starts out being quite friendly, if somewhat bats hit insane, but it is later revealed that she is only the island be cause she is trying to find a hidden treasure. In the end it turns out only the chipmunks can reach the treasure and so she kidnaps one of them and forces them to gather it for her as the island becomes volcanic and begins to erupt. She eventually see the error of her ways and we all learn an important lesson about blah blah blah. Fuck this movie.

So yeah, the final scene is everyone coming together to escape the island before the volcano completely destroys it. Of course, in real life no one would be stranded for very long because that island would be swarming with scientists studying the island as it gets ready to erupt. Am I making to much out of the unrealistic nature of a film about six singing chipmunks? Yes. Yes, I most certainly am but these films have driven me literally to the brink of madness and what else am I supposed to do? Write about the plot in detail? That way lies even more madness, a madness from which I fear I would never be able to escape and do you really want that on your conscience? Well, I don’t care if you do or not because it’s an avenue I simply refuse to go down.

In summation, this trilogy of films is a massive cinematic triplets of abortions. They rank with the Transformers films as some of the worst things mankind have ever done to film. Hollywood needs to go to a therapist and show them on the doll where the Chipmunks touched it. I think you get my point. So this film gets zero pints out of five. It has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. If you take you’re children to see it, you are a terrible parent and should have them taken away. And next time I see a rodent, I’m stamping on it’s stupid tiny head and crushing it’s brains with it’s own skull. Unless it’s a chipmunk. I shall kill them slowly to make sure they suffer. Laterz.



Review: Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel by Jamie

Ugh. Why did I do it? Why did I sit down and force myself to watch this film? I hated the first one. I knew I would hate this one. Probably more because of A) The fucking stupid title and B) Because it’s a sequel (Yes, sequel. Not squeakquel, SEQUEL) to one of the most annoying, pointless and just plain shit movies that I have ever seen and sequels are rarely, rarely better than the first films especially when they are nothing more than blatant cash-grabs as this film so clearly is.

Plot synopsis? Well, Ok. Alvin, Simon and Theodore do stupid things and occasionally get in trouble but then they get out of it again. Also there are the girl chipmunks, The Chipettes, More than that? Fine. Dave (Jason Lee) gets injured in Paris during a Chipmunks concert and, after another accident involving Dave’s wheelchair bound aunt or grandmother (Yes, injuring old people in wheelchairs. The good wholesome family fun of the Alvin and the Chipmunks of my youth…), the three rodents find themselves in the care of Toby (Zachary Levi), who I guess is Dave’s cousin or something. Toby is a pathetic, loser of a manchild who spends all of his time playing video games and isn’t responsible to look after himself, let alone three talking chipmunks.

Dave has also decided that the Chipmunks need a normal childhood and so he’s sending them off to school which is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. Remember, these are chipmunks. I think we can pretty much safely assume that all of the world’s chipmunks are as intelligent as people in this film’s universe which means that they should probably have their own schools and things. In fact, this film would have been awesome if it had been about all the chipmunks coming out of the woods and trying to get equal rights. I suppose it wouldn’t have made a very good kids film but it’d be interesting.
Meanwhile the evil record producer from the first film, Ian (David Cross) has fallen on hard times since losing the deal with Alvin and Co. Luckily for him a package arrives containing the Chipettes and so he begins his attempted domination of the music industry all over again.

Back at school and all the girls go crazy over the fact that they have the superstars at their school and it seem as though they’d very much like the arboreal rodents to fuck them… No. I’m sorry, I’d done with an in depth synopsis. Basically, the school needs money to keep it’s music program going. Both the Chipmunks and the Chipettes enter a contest to help the school win the money and in the end they join forces. Oh, and Alvin briefly joins the football team and shirks the responsibilities of being in the group, much to Simon and Theodore’s chagrin. Oh, and David Cross loses the Chipettes, leaving him to pretend to be them with the aid of two sock puppets at a gig in the Staples Center. It might actually be the only funny bit in the entire film.

I really don’t know what can be said about this film. There’s so much to moan and bitch about here but it seems so futile since the third one will be out later this year and yes, I’ll probably end up watching that as well because I am a glutton for CGI rodent-based punishment. So I’ll just sum up several ridiculous points in some face book statuses written whilst watching it: “Wh-Why are the chipmunks going to high school? They gotta be abut 8 at the most… Which is about the average life expectancy of chipmunks in captivity so I assume this ends with Dave crying as they slowly die of old age.”, “Female CGI chipmunks should not be trying to be sexy. I need to burn my eyes out.”, “You’d think rodents would be excused from dodgeball…”, “WHY DOES EVERYONE LOVE THE CHIPMUNKS SINGING? IT SOUNDS LIKE HOW CHIPMUNKS MIGHT SOUND IF THEY COULD SING I.E. SQUEAKY AND NOT GOOD.”, “A CHIPMUNK CAN’T PLAY AMERICAN FOOTBALL! THERE ARE SEVERAL REASONS AS TO WHY THIS IS A FACT!” “You’re not good with heights? You’re an arboreal rodent, you fucking moron.” That’s just a small taste of the lunacy of this movie.

In summary, fuck this movie. It gets half a pint out of five and that’s for the ending with David Cross in drag. Laterz.




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