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Review: Vampires Suck by Jamie

Who in their right mind would choose to review films? It’s a question I found myself asking whilst once again deciding that I should torture myself by sitting through another film from those comedic black holes Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Yes, they’re back with a brand new “parody” film! I know, just like me your nipples are tingling with anticipation. No wait, that’s not anticipation. That’s revulsion. Thanks movie, you’ve annoyed my nipples.

So what the hell is there to say about this parody of the Twilight Saga? Well perhaps the most important thing to note is the title ‘Vampires Suck’. Why isn’t this film called Vampire Movie? I can only assume that the ____ Movie brand has been so damaged that they had no choice but to name it something different. Does that mean that the word movie itself is so tainted that we have to stop using it? Fair play I suppose because according to my Google Chrome spell checker the word movie doesn’t exist anyway.

So what of the plot? Well, if you’ve seen the first two Twilight films then you’ve seen this movie. Just imagine those films greatly condensed into about an hour and fifteen minutes but with the actual plot points replaced with bad jokes about Twilight or bad pop culture references. It’s pretty much the standard Friedberg/Seltzer fare. And it is, of course, pretty much all deeply, deeply unfunny. It did get a few chuckles out of me, generally when Diedrich Bader was on screen playing the role of the main characters father. He was kinda funny and made it at least… Well, not watchable but you could potentially aim your eyes at the screen and they wouldn’t leak blood for the entirety.

I don’t know what more I can really write about this without just repeating things from my ‘Meet The Spartans’ review or my ‘Disaster Movie’ review. It’s all pretty much the same awful, awful shit. There is a quick reference to Psycho which, due to it being one of my favourite films of all time, I can never ever forgive Friedberg and Seltzer for because now whenever I watch Psycho as small part of my brain is going to remember this film and for that they must both be punished. Besides that there’s also references to Facebook, the Kardashians, Lady Gaga and much more empty pointless references to things that are popular at the moment which will only cause it to age badly and make it even worse as time passes if that’s even possible.

I’m done with this film and these two cock squirts. The only reason I really watch these films is to write reviews like this were I get to use words like cock squirts. So let’s just sum up and hope once again that their career is over just like we did after Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie. So what’s the final verdict? Well, it’s about as funny as genocide but still manages to be a little bit better than Disaster Movie which was as funny as an AIDS-ridden puppy being gang-raped… during a genocide. A half a pint out of five. Don’t watch it, don’t look at the posters or trailers for it. If you do happen to come into contact with it in any form just drink until you forget it. If you were watching Vampires Suck and someone stabbed you in the eyes, they’d be doing you a massive favour and you should at least by them a drink or something. Laterz.



Last Year In Film: Disaster Movie by Jamie

Oh fucking Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with the world? Why are things like this allowed to exist? Yes, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer unleashed two pieces of cinematic garbage upon the world in 2008 and whilst Meet The Spartans was a bad film it’s actually kinda watchable when compared with this entry in the _____ Movie franchise, Disaster Movie.

This film has absolutely no redeeming qualities. The jokes are shit, the performances laughable (though not in the way intended) and my world is a far, far more painful place having sat through it. And I have to live with that. I have to spend every waking hour of the rest of my life knowing that I spent an hour and a half watching this. No wait. It’s more than that because it took me three tries before I actually managed to sit through the entire thing. Each time I got about fifteen minutes through before I had to stop. So in essence I’ve spent two hours and fifteen minutes watching this piece of shit. I am a broken man.

And now I’m reliving it all again just so I can write this. Fine. Let’s get this the fuck over with. Remember all those trailers that came out in 2007/2008 for films like Hancock, The Dark Knight, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man and Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull? Friedberg and Seltzer clearly did because they inserted parodies of all of those films in this fucking film. They actually parodied films that they hadn’t seen yet. It’s ridiculous. As a result all the parodies of these films are just the character showing up and doing nothing or, in Hancock’s case, parodying one specific piece from the trailer itself. Well done movie. Well done. I applaud your creativity. Sorry, did I say creativity? I meant go fuck yourself movie. Go fuck yourself right to hell.

The rest of the parodies are pretty much the same fare that we saw in Meet The Spartans except somehow they’ve managed to take this time-tested method of spoofing pop culture and make it shitter. This film has even less respect for it’s audience. Where Meet The Spartans held your hand so that you could get each and every joke, this film grabs you by the fucking neck and rubs your face in the joke, whilst shouting at you “LOOK! LOOK WHAT WE’RE MAKING FUN OF! ISN’T IT FUNNY?!?! HAHAHA!” The whole thing is really rather tedious. “LOOK! LOOK! IT’S HANNAH MONTANA! SHE’S SHILLING THINGS EVEN AS SHE DIES UNDER A METEOR! ARE WE NOT EXCELLENT SATIRISTS?” I think you get the picture.

This film, for technically that’s what it is, almost makes me want to somehow stop all things from happening. Because as long as events occur, there will be things for these movies creators to ‘parody.’ Billions of years of evolution and thousands of years of civilisation led to the creation of these movies and for that reason alone I’m starting to think that this whole ‘Human Race’ thing was really a bad idea from the get go and we’d be doing the universe as a whole a favour by simply going extinct right now. And even if we don’t, something else may do it for us. After all, there’s the chance that these films are being beamed into space right now and that, some time in the future they will be intercepted by an otherwise peaceful alien civilisation who, as a result of watching them, come to the conclusion that existence would be a far better thing without these meddlesome hairless apes running around making shitty parody films. Well done Friedberg and Seltzer. You’ve doomed our species.

And what’s the worse thing about this damn movie? (If indeed anything can be considered worse than the impending annihilation of your species by pissed off extra-terrestrials?) The fact that they took something genuinely funny, in this case Sarah Silverman’s song ‘I’m Fucking Matt Damon’ and totally ruin it. Why movie? Why must you ruin good things with your dogged determination to suck so bad? I believe I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. Fuck you movie.

So that’s that then. Disaster movie is done and dusted and I’ll never have to watch it again but there will always be a part of me that is gone thanks to this movie, destroyed by it’s utter awfulness. I’m fairly sure that if you look into my eyes you’ll notice something is off, like a part of me has died in some way. So what kind of a rating can I give this film? I don’t think it really fits into our pint of beer scheme so there is only one way I can rate this. With the grand score of Unicum. If you’ve never experienced Unicum, one of Hungary’s national drinks, then you are exceedingly lucky. It is foul and so is this movie.



Last Year In Film: Meet The Spartans by Jamie

Remember when parody film was a phrase that didn’t send people with half a brain cell recoiling in horror? A time when films like Airplane!, Spaceballs and Monty Python and the Holy Grail strode the comedy plains and delighted audiences far and wide. Do you know why those films were so awesome? Because the filmmakers had a modicum of respect for their audiences. Yes, the humour was sometimes wacky and out of left field but they didn’t have to take you by the hand and explain the jokes to you. The joke played out and you either got it or you didn’t. Meet The Spartans, on the other hand, treats it’s audience as if they had their brain removed and won’t be able to understand a joke unless it’s made very clear exactly what is being made fun of.

Now, I decided to keep a list during this film of the times that I laughed. That list numbers five which I have to admit is more than I thought I would. Of these five times, fthree were light chuckles and two were what I would consider proper laughs. So well done movie for managing to get two full laughs out of me. I commend your efforts. These two times were when Leonadis holds the hand of the Persian Emissary and starts swinging it like a little girl as they walk and when the Spartans joined hands and skipped into battle singing ‘I Will Survive.’ Who knew I was such a sucker for men hand holding humour. That’s the problem with this film though. The only bits that I found funny were when they were in the context of parodying 300 without any real riffing on ‘popular’ culture and that’s really few and far between in this film.

For the most part this film is all about taking the piss out of pop-culture and this could probably be quite funny if one, they cut the fuck back on it a bit, and two, if they took shots at things that weren’t already self-parody in there own rights. Oh, what’s that Meet The Spartans? You’ve got a joke where Britney Spears is shaving her head, being a bad mother and flashing her vagina? Oh, what a witty commentary on modern society. What’s this now? A joke about Lindsay Lohan coming out of rehab and flashing her vagina? Truly movie, you are a jester worthy of the highest of praises.

Perhaps the oddest thing about this film is the credits sequence. The film came to an end whilst there were still twenty minutes left. I was confused. The film itself had only lasted about an hour, which was a small mercy but how could it have had so many people working on it that it would warrant a twenty minute credit sequence? Then, about halfway through the credits some more scenes started. Oh good, I thought, perhaps there are some outtakes. Even a shit film can have some pretty decent outtakes. But no. These weren’t outtakes at all. They were actually just extra scenes that looked like they’d been plucked from the film itself and just placed randomly in the credits. Why? What the fuck were the filmmakers thinking? Oh, wait. I guess they weren’t. They made Meet The Spartans after all.

So what of the acting? Well, it’s kinda hard to judge as I don’t think you can call what the people in this film were required to do acting. I will say this though, Sean Maguire as Leonidas and Kevin Sorbo as Captain do look as though they’re just trying to have fun with the stupid roles they seem to have found themselves in and as such I find it really hard to hate them both. As for Travis Van Winkle, who plays Sonio, well I can’t help but despise him since he was in that piece of shit Friday the 13th remake which so offended me.

Well, what more is there that I can say about this cinematic abortion? I suppose I have to give it a half a pint out of five just for making me laugh a couple of times. That’s a couple more than I predict for Disaster Movie. Still, I have to say stay away from this piece of shit. It’s pretty much repugnant and offensive to anyone descended from anyone who lived during the time of the Ancient Greeks.




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