Wolverine Review

Review: My Bloody Valentine 3-D
02/02/2009, 10:38 am
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Hello readers, and welcome to the review of “My Bloody Valentine 3-D”, a simple story of romance, death, and an awesome five minute, full frontal sex scene that results in some big breasted blonde’s demise. The film’s starting credits begin with newspapers moving all over the place in 3-D, explaining a horrific accident that happened ten years ago in the little town of Harmony, leaving five men dead and put survivor Harry Warden into a coma; in my opinion, the best use of 3-D animation in the entire movie. One year later, on Valentine’s Day of course, Harry Warden unexpectedly awoke from his coma and went on a random killing spree; brutally murdering twenty-two people with a pickaxe before being killed himself.

Now a decade later, Tom Hanniger, the inexperienced miner who was responsible for the death’s of the five men and Warden’s coma, returns to Harmony on, you’ve guessed it, Valentine’s Day, still haunted by the deaths he caused. Subtle much? Hanniger, played by Supernatural star Jensen Ackles, is now dealing with his unresolved feelings for his ex-girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King), who is now married to his best mate Axel (Kerr Smith), the town’s sheriff and a killer sporting a miner’s mask and a pickaxe who is on the loose. Is Harry Warden back from the dead? Or is this a copycat killer? Either way, it’s not that interesting. It’s the 3-D deaths that make this ‘slasher’ film what it is, and they are stupidly grizzly.

The film does have some quality death scenes such as when the killer grabs one man and shoves a pickaxe up through his chin, yanking his weapon back which results in blood spattering to your left and a chunk of the guy’s chin flying to your right. Another one was when the killer swings the pickaxe into the back of a teenager’s head, which shows his eye on the end of the weapon as the pickaxe goes through his eye socket and comes out at you. But the most interesting part of the story has to be the ‘3-D Full-Frontal’.

The scene starts in a seedy hotel where a couple are having sex quite aggressively. The man climaxes, and then goes to leave, as you do, and grabs his jacket, switching off a camcorder he was using. Classy. The blonde starts shouting “I’m not a whore”, but the man chucks her some cash and laughs “You are now”. The man goes to get in his truck, with the blonde tailing him outside, stark naked, with a gun. The man opens his truck door and the killer smashes the pickaxe down into his head, leaving the blonde to run back to the hotel screaming her head off. She gets in and hides under the bed, leaving the killer to remove the duvet covers to reveal her, still naked, under the wire bed frame. She somehow manages to get up, using the bed frame as a shield, and backs into a corner of the room, trapping herself. Hilarious. The killer starts to pierce the wire frame, trying to get the blonde in the head with the pickaxe. After several attempts, the killer then realises what they’re doing wrong and then goes for the stomach, which they hit first time, leaving the blonde pinned to the wall, and you feeling horny after seeing a pair of 3-D breasts bounce around at you for the last five minutes. Nice.

Now, in small doses, the film isn’t half bad; but as a whole, it’s pretty poor. The script is good in places, but not enough to keep you interested. The actor’s did an okay job, but there just isn’t enough continuity for you to care about them when they start dying. The 3-D plotline is all this film has going for it, and even then it wasn’t always appropriate. Still, at least Director Patrick Lussier pulled off a tasteful sex scene. In 3-D. Which was awesome.

Cinepub Rating: Shandy (2 out of 5)

Review: The Day the Earth Stood Still
01/02/2009, 10:11 am
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Could this be the end of the world? Quite possibly, if you actually consider seeing this film. Hello, Chris here, and today is the day the earth stood still. By this, I mean either my watch was broken, or this film really did manage to last two hours. Two hours of a sour plot and bad script courtesy of Director Scott Derrickson and Screenplay Director David Scarpa. Unfortunately, my colleague, Jamie, was not available to review the film with me. And by ‘not available’ I mean he would rather watch ‘Batman and Robin’ if he was in the mood for epic fail.

Now, the story is about the arrival of intriguing alien named Klaatu played by the always-confused Keanu Reeves, armed with a smart suit he pilfered from a psychologist who tries to analyse him, resulting in said psychologists hilarious demise, and the English vocabulary of a household fridge. Klaatu describes himself as a “friend to the Earth” – an apparently simple statement, but one which the cast of this CGI mess realises will destroy them all. By being on “our planet”, a statement Klaatu does not take too kindly to, he triggers a cataclysmic wave of destruction while governments and random scientists race to unravel the mystery of what his intentions are. Now, call me stupid, but I think it’s pretty damn clear that he’s going to kill us all and take what is apparently “unrightfully ours.”

In the midst of it all, the lovely Jennifer Connelly plays Helen; a single mother who inadvertently has a young pain in the ass stepson, Jacob, who acts like a little shit all the time, and wants to kill the intruding alien, as his now dead father, who was in the army, also wanted to kill everything.
Now, I don’t really want to write any spoilers for this shite, but to be fair, I was actually falling asleep in the cinema whilst watching this, so here’s the reason that Keanu has decided to come to our planet in the first place, just in case you find yourself in the same scenario.

Keanu’s statement of being a “friend to the earth” is just another way of saying “You’re all fucked”. Because of the intoxicating fumes and gasses we have been letting off which have been destroying our atmosphere, we are slowly ‘killing’ the earth. That’s right, you’ve guessed it; this film is a really all about global warming. What kind of a fucking twist is that. Mr. Reeves has come to the conclusion that because of the damage we have done to the planet, he and his big robot dildo are going to wipe out all living things on the face of the earth, and start afresh; hence the line “If the earth dies, you die. If you die, the earth will live.” What a tool.

Now, if you still want anything to do with this ‘film’ it will cost you around £4 at the maximum. Don’t bother seeing it in the cinema. Wait until it becomes available on DVD at your local Blockbuster store and snap up a copy, which should be no more than £3.50. Take a stroll then to a nearby convenience store and purchase a pack of matches or a lighter, whatever works for you. When you make it home, take a can of deodorant, and proceed to spray the DVD, encasing it in the flammable liquid. Strike a match, destroy the copy, and do your part for Cinepub. Hell, that’s something I think is worth losing my rental membership for.

Cinepub Rating: This film ‘wank! (1 out of 5)

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