Cinepub


Zombie Month: Vampires Vs Zombies by Jamie

I have seen very few films that cross the line into incomprehensibility due to incompetence. ‘Vampires Vs Zombies’ is one of those films. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s about to you because I honestly have no idea. You’d think the title would give everything away but, not really. And it’s not that there is more to this film than just Vampires Vs Zombies, it’s that there’s actually less. Right, let’s try a synopsis.

Some people are going somewhere for some reason. Other people are going somewhere else. People stop at a petrol station and the shopkeep is eventually a Vampire but not at first. He gets shot as does some goth chick. Then some more people pull up at the same petrol station and the bodies of the shot people are in the back room and there is a new shopkeep. Then an old man steals a girl from a woman and the girl is a vampire but the old man kills her. Following so far?

So then the first people, a father and daughter, who were going somewhere also get a girl, but this was voluntarily, from the same woman that the old man did. This girl is also a vampire and she has sex with the daughter. She also bites her while going down on her but this doesn’t affect her yet. So everyone goes somewhere for some reason and things happen but not really. Everyone sort of ends up dead but then there are other scenes which imply this might all be in the head of the daughter in a mental institute. Oh, and Zombies happen but not much.

So yeah. That’s the plot of ‘Vampires Vs Zombies’ or at least what I could pick up as watched it completely baffled. Everything about this movie feels like an endurance test and it’s only 74 minutes long. Oh, but it feels like more. It feels like so much more.

Everything about this film is handled incompetently. It’s not as bad as ‘Birdemic’ but it’s worse than ‘The Room’. The acting is atrocious, the editing is worse with random cuts to random people for what I can only assume are random people. The sound effects sound like they might have been stolen from a Mortal Kombat game and most importantly, nothing makes sense!

To watch this film is to know madness. You enter a surreal world where up is down and left is fish. Yo sit there bewildered as each random scene flashes before your eyes. Things happen, to be sure, but the question remains why are they happening? How are they happening? What the fuck are the rules of this world? Ok, so vampires can walk around in the sunlight and they don’t sparkle got it. Ok, that one vampire got shot in the head and it was killed so why are you attacking them with wooden stakes? Ok, the wooden stakes don’t even kill them, they just paralyse them, so again, why not use the guns? These are the kind of things that run through your head because it is never made clear exactly how this world works. Also there seems to be a Zombie Apocalypse going on in the background of this incomprehensible ‘story’ but no one really seems that bothered by it.

Gah! Thinking about this shit makes me mad and slightly dizzy. I give this film 0 out of 5 pints. Laterz.

Heres a slightly NSFW trailer:

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