Zombie Month: Deadgirl by Jamie

Massive Spoilers Ahead

Zombies should not be the objects of sexual fantasies. There I said it. They’re not the type of Monster to try and seduce a human in order to entrap them. Nope, they simply overwhelm humans in massive numbers in order to eat sweet, sweet flesh. They’re not something you’d want to stick your cock in to.

Still, I guess there are some pretty fucked up people in this world like the dude who came up with ‘The Human Centipede’, the people behind the large variety of Torture Porn out there and, of course, Furries. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up loving Sonic the Hedgehog. Hell, I can pretty much only draw anthropomorphic characters now because of it but I’m not in love with Sonic the Hedgehog nor do I feel the need to dress up as a wolf and have sex with someone dressed up as a panda. I mean, seriously.

And because the world is a fucked up place inhabited by fucked up people, things like Deadgirl exist. It’s the charming tale of two boys who discover a Zombie girl chained up in the basement of an old abandoned mental hospital and decide to keep her as a fuck slave. I’ll give them points for originality at least.

The two boys in question are Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) and J.T. (Noah Segan). When they first find the girl, they don’t knw that she’s a Zombie, that only comes after J.T. tries to kill her three times while raping her. Oh, Noah Segan voiced Henry on KaBlam!, an old Nickelodeon show that I used to love and now he’s trying to kill women while raping them. Thanks movie. Thanks a lot.

Thankfully there’s Rickie, who is reticent to rape the poor girl and leaves that very night. Yes, Rickie is the good character who we’re meant to emphasise with, the one who doesn’t do anything as wrong as rape because we wouldn’t either. That’s the way it is and the way it will always be. Yes, thank goodness for Rickie.

J.T. invites their other friend, Wheeler, to come and fuck the Zombie, now nicknamed Deadgirl. Rickie decides that enough is enough and that it’s time to free her. He gets some bolt cutters and manages to cut the chain restricting one of her hands before he’s interrupted by J.T. and Wheeler. J.T. begins to fuck her before realising her hand is free and she attacks, scratching his face. He manages to restrain her again and begins spending more and more time with her, essentially living in the basement with her and using her as and when he wants. Basically, J.T. is starting to go a little crazy.

It should be mentioned that Rickie is hopelessly in love with a girl he used to hang out with when he was younger, Joann, who is now one of those popular types with a boyfriend who’s a member of the football team. Despite this he asks her out anyway which riles said footballer boyfriend, Johnny, and so he and his friend Dwyer beat the shit out of Rickie and Wheeler. Wheeler shouts that they don’t need Joann because they have their own freaky ass slut to do their sexual bidding. Before you know it, Wheeler and Rickie are being forced to take the two jocks to see Deadgirl.

When they get there, the two boys are a little taken aback at the sight and smell of Deadgirl but J.T. convinces them to give her a go and Rickie convinces Johnny to try and get a blow job off of her. I don’t think I need to tell you that sticking any part of your body in a Zombie’s mouth is a decidedly bad idea but the penis? Frankly, if your stupid enough to stick your cock in a Zombie’s mouth then you deserve everything that’s coming to you. And so the inevitable happens and Deadgirl bites Johnny’s penis. The next day Johnny isn’t feeling too well and has to rush to the bathroom during class where he proceeds to shit out his intestines and assumedly becomes one of the Walking Dead.

This turn of events leads J.T. and Wheeler to realise that the same Zombie rules apply to their sex slave as it does to any other Zombie and decide to try and make themselves a new Deadgirl. They hang around a gas station and, after one failed attempt to capture someone, Joann shows up demanding to know what the fuck they did to her boyfriend. J.T. tells her that he can just show her instead.

Rickie heads for the asylum with a machete, either attempting to free Deadgirl or kill her once and for all, I’m honestly not sure which. Anyway, when he gets there he finds Joann and Deadgirl tied together back to back. J.T. begins trying to convince Rickie that he should let Joann get bitten, explaining that she’d rather die than willingly be with him in life. As he’s explaining all this, Wheeler begins groping Joan. This pisses Rickie off and he slices Wheeler’s arm off with the machete. Whilst the panic ensues because of this, Joann manages to untie Deadgirl and she takes a bit out of Wheeler.

Joann and Rickie make a run for it, becoming trapped between a locked door and Deadgirl trying to get in through the other. J.T. pulls Deadgirl away from the door and is attacked, receiving one of the most horrible looking Zombie bites I’ve ever seen, tearing off his top lip up to the nose. Something about it just really creeped me out, especially when he’s talking afterwards. Anyway, Rickie runs off to try and find an alternative route and, when he returns, Joann is gone. Suddenly Deadgirl shows up, pushes Rickie out of the way, busts open the locked door and runs off naked, dead and free.

Rickie finds Joann just as she’s about to collapse having been stabbed in the back by the dying J.T. He tries to convince Rickie to let him bite her so that she will become his new Deadgirl. Ricki holds her close and tells her that he loves her and she’ll save him. The scene then cuts to a later date. The sun is shining, happy music is playing and Rickie seems to be enjoying life. The scene then cuts again to a Zombie Joann chained up in the asylum basement… Wait a minute! What the fuck!?! That’s your big fucking happy ending movie? That Rickie basically turned into the same douche bag that J.T. was all along? That he’s keeping the reanimated corpse of the girl he loved chained up in a basement and he frequently rapes her? Fuck you movie. Fuck you.

Maybe I’m overreacting a little bit. After all, aren’t Zombies just mindless corpses who want to eat people? Well, yes but that means you’re still engaging in the act of necrophilia on a regular basis and besides Zombies were people too. Hell, Rick Grimes even made a very nice speech about that fact on an episode of ‘The Walking Dead’. Sure, they kill them but that’s a matter of survival. Just keeping them chained up so you can fuck them whenever you want seems wrong, monster or not. Especially in the case of Joann because, fuck it man, that was someone you knew in life, someone you apparently loved. Your actions are even more reprehensible than J.T.’s and they were already pretty fucking reprehensible. So much for Rickie being the ‘good’ character that I was supposed to relate to.

So yeah, this movie is pretty fucked up. There’s a point earlier in the film where J.T. is lamenting the fact that their Deadgirl doesn’t produce much in the way of natural lubrication what with her being Undead and all that. He then pokes a hole caused by his shooting her earlier. It oozes puss and then he smiles at Wheeler and says “It’s warm, wet…” and then the scene thankfully cuts before anything else is shown but still, the implication is fucking horrible.

Despite all that, the film is well made and well acted. Noah Segan in particular does a brilliant job of making J.T. seem like a nice, likeable and easy-going guy to begin with and slowly going insane over the course of the film. In fact, the whole film is actually disturbingly enjoyable and it‘s probably one of the most original Zombie films I‘ve seen during Zombie Month so far. It’s an engaging story even as twisted a story as it is. Except for that ending. Seriously, fuck that ending.

Overall, I’ll give Deadgirl three and a half pints out of five. It would have probably been four except for that fucking ending. Laterz.

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